News International cat incredibly far from bag

THE News International cat was at least 2,000 miles from its bag, it was estimated last night.

Mr Hackles had been struggling to escape from the bag for the last four years, but freed himself quickly yesterday after noticing a gaping hole at the bottom where the stitching had come loose.   

Pausing briefly to urinate on the bag, he then pounced through an open window and began bounding athletically across the London rooftops like something out of a Go-Cat advert.

Eyewitness Tom Logan said: “It truly is a privilege to see such a magnificent animal on the move like that, doing what it was born to do.

“At one point he landed gently on a wall right next to me. He then sniffed the air and was off again with a seemingly impossible leap, but not before he glanced at me and gave me what I am convinced was a cheeky little wink.

“I feel absolutely wonderful.”

But a News International source said: “We spent a shit load of money on that bag, so, as you can probably imagine, we’re a bit cheesed off.

“We also sacrificed the News of the World, gave Sienna Miller a hundred grand to spend on shoes and we even pretended that we think MPs are important.

“And all we’re left with is a shoddy, third-rate bag, covered in stale cat piss.”

Asked if the company would hire a firm of expensive cat retrieval specialists to return Mr Hackles to his bag, the source said: “What’s the point? That fucker is gone.

“Do you think prison will be horrid?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Having a less pleasant life now source of national pride

Decent, hard working Britains delighted they are getting less holidays and pleasure.