Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say that ‘comedy is tragedy plus distance’ so why did nobody laugh when you prodded that grieving widow with a blackboard ruler?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Remember when everyone compared themselves to characters from Friends? Right now your life would be an episode called ‘The One Where You Go An Entire Week Without Talking To Anybody Except The Guy Who Runs The Off License’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, why not tell everyone you’re going to clamp down on energy companies at a big important meeting before closing the door to your office, having a bit of a cry, slowly unbuttoning your trousers and telling your secretary that they can come in when they’re ready?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a Capricorn, you will have an overpowering urge this week to buy a reasonably-priced book chock full of hilarious spoof news stories as a Christmas present for all your friends and family. No, not the Private Eye one, you fucking arseholes.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I imagine your group of anti-capitalist, smash-the-system protestors will be telling the cathedral’s chancellor how organised religion is just a misogynist bunch of paedophiles any day now, yes? Or has access to a rather spiffing camp site changed all that?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After paying twelve bastard quid for a comedy based on a credit card advert, you look forward to your next trip to the pictures, maybe to watch a three-hour psychodrama based on the webuyanycar adverts.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Following a lifetime watching soap operas, you’re disappointed this week when your wedding goes through without a hitch and you realise you’re just going to sort of carry on being married for the foreseeable future.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Online shopping is a great invention – in the old days you had to physically post a gift voucher to send a not-arsed gift to somebody but now you can increase your level of not-arsedness by just emailing it to them.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Work’s been getting you down recently – nobody asks a Samaritan how their day was, do they? Selfish twats.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You got ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain’t one. However, number 39 is ‘a bellend shaped like Danny DeVito’, so it’s not all plain sailing.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Visualise your goals. Grasp the achievable. Be 100% you, 100% of the time. If you think you can’t, you can’t. Act like a winner and you will be a winner. But for now, can you at least put some fucking trousers on?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You describe your poetry to your writing group as ‘stream of consciousness’ but in truth it’s the kind of stream you’d find slowly oozing away from a Ukrainian battery factory.