Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s okay, mine humps people’s legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You like old movies. Like the Godfather III. Which is why you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t take a work colleague’s criticisms too personally. Except for the ones that are about you, they’re definitely personal.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s always one holiday snap with somebody you don’t recognise in it. But it’s not often they’re draping their flaccid giblet across your sleeping brow.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you think you have the skill sand attitude to become a Royal Marine for Christ’s sake join now before you end up in jail.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Never buy a fridge off Denis Nilsen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When God gives you lemons, make lemonade. So  I hope you’re in the mood for gallons of messydivorcepainfulillnessade

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good job your house was built near some caves and not a giant flower garden otherwise Gotham City would currently be protected by a man dressed as an enormous bee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll be fighting for the public’s right to vote on European Union membership, because that’s what’s on the mind of every person currently sat on a meagre pile of belongings outside their recently-repossessed house.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You remember the first time you made love – the boy you’d known since you were 12, so gentle and kind, he was patient with you until you were ready to give yourself to him. But then you went to Magaluf for your 18th birthday and popped it with some pool attendant you think may have been called ‘Diego’. Nicely done.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your minds is constant, giddying whirr of schemes, ideas and inventions, each one of them infinitely shitter than the last.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? To treat your anal leakage? Seriously?


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Shakespeare was an alien, says Emmerich

ROLAND Emmerich says his new film will prove that William Shakespeare was a 300-foot alien.

In Emmerich’s new documentary Doom Globe, Elizabeth I, played by Scarlett Johansson, needs a brooding tragedy on the themes of revenge, madness and mortality within 48 hours or Hampton Court will be blown up by the CGI playwright, voiced by Vin Diesel.

She assembles a team of wise-cracking courtiers including rough diamond William Burghley (Tommy Lee Jones), wacky Robert Devereux (Steve Buscemi) and heart-throb love interest the Earl of Oxford (Shia Lebouf) to come up with a play that will foil the evil Bard of Avon’s plans.

Emmerich said: “We did look at Shakespeare’s contemporary sources and the differing language structures used in each of the plays, but we ultimately decided that Shia jumping out of the window of The Globe, which is on fire and being eaten by giant scorpions, was more authentically blockbustery.

“The moment I saw the rushes of the love scene where Oxford saves Elizabeth from one of Shakespeare’s robot assassin sonnets and says to her ‘you may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but your ass is on fire’ I shouted ‘billions!’ and fell off my chair.”

Shakespearean scholars have questioned some of the claims in the film, arguing that the playwright did not arrive at court inside a 1,000-foot spacecraft shaped like a hairdryer and there are no contemporaneous records to suggest he blew up Windsor Castle without warning.

But Emmerich argued that, just as Shakespeare in Love brought the bard’s works to a wider audience despite certain historical inaccuracies, Doom Globe will do the same for the writer whose real name, he claims, was k’Rthu the Destructor.

He added: “And did Shakespeare in Love have a talking dog? Did it hell. One-nil to me, Stoppard.”