Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s okay, mine humps people’s legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You like old movies. Like the Godfather III. Which is why you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t take a work colleague’s criticisms too personally. Except for the ones that are about you, they’re definitely personal.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s always one holiday snap with somebody you don’t recognise in it. But it’s not often they’re draping their flaccid giblet across your sleeping brow.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you think you have the skill sand attitude to become a Royal Marine for Christ’s sake join now before you end up in jail.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Never buy a fridge off Denis Nilsen.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When God gives you lemons, make lemonade. So I hope you’re in the mood for gallons of messydivorcepainfulillnessade
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good job your house was built near some caves and not a giant flower garden otherwise Gotham City would currently be protected by a man dressed as an enormous bee.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll be fighting for the public’s right to vote on European Union membership, because that’s what’s on the mind of every person currently sat on a meagre pile of belongings outside their recently-repossessed house.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You remember the first time you made love – the boy you’d known since you were 12, so gentle and kind, he was patient with you until you were ready to give yourself to him. But then you went to Magaluf for your 18th birthday and popped it with some pool attendant you think may have been called ‘Diego’. Nicely done.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your minds is constant, giddying whirr of schemes, ideas and inventions, each one of them infinitely shitter than the last.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? To treat your anal leakage? Seriously?