Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you’re almost certain hasn’t been filled with urine.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you’re worried about the battery life of your new iPhone, maybe you should stop checking your Facebook status every four seconds.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your application to appear on ‘Pointless’ has been turned down because apparently it’s about answering quiz questions and not about describing your life.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A spectacularly allergic reaction to shellfish this week sees you break out in a rash while watching  Spongebob Squarepants.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye, at which point it becomes a lawsuit. Get in.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On my signal, unleash hell. Do you want to learn to drive or not?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While the world has been pondering the ecological and economic ramifications of the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet, you’ve been wondering whether it increases or decreases your chances of getting some oral before you die.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Never go to sleep with an argument unresolved. If necessary resort to arm wrestling, though she does have the weight advantage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cruising down the Texas highway in the hot August sun with a preacher testifying some of that old time religion on the radio, you suddenly think, ‘hang on, where the fuck is Homebase?’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with y… sorry mate, from behind you really look like a woman.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There are recognised stages to the grieving process – anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance and releasing a cobbled-together collection of your daughter’s demo recordings.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The trappings of Western society can eventually become a weight around our neck, dragging us down into joyless consumerism and stopping us from ascending into the heights of true happiness. So imagine yourself in a totally blank room, with a door marked ‘joy’ at one end and you can only walk through that door with what you can carry in your two hands. Even it does happen to be an anal dildo and a bumper bag of Wotsits.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Malingerers prescribed a course of hippies

DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.

Traditional methods of treating lumbar pain such as diagnosing an actual illness and treating it with drugs, have proven ineffective, forcing the NHS to turn to chakra-juggling.

GP Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve gone through a pad and a half of sicknotes on the same forklift driver who accidentally picked up a box of pencils back in 1997. But he started to feel better after just two sessions of wind chimes and tofu-based flatulence.

“I think the final straw was when the hippies started discussing their recent trip to Bhutan. He managed to bend down to tie his shoes for the first time in years, as well as lifting a Fiat Punto that had blocked him in the carpark.”

Doctors have called for new research into alternative therapies and the lengths people will go to in order to avoid dealing with the people who peddle them.

A study in Carlisle amongst patients unable to work due to depression has already found that 65% of them felt able to return to their jobs when faced with the prospect of having their illness dealt with by someone named ‘Umbrella’.

Hobbs said: “I would even welcome having an alternative practitioner based permanently in the surgery so I could quickly divert the liars their way and get on with dealing with people who have convinced themselves they are actually unwell.”