Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you’re almost certain hasn’t been filled with urine.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you’re worried about the battery life of your new iPhone, maybe you should stop checking your Facebook status every four seconds.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your application to appear on ‘Pointless’ has been turned down because apparently it’s about answering quiz questions and not about describing your life.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A spectacularly allergic reaction to shellfish this week sees you break out in a rash while watching Spongebob Squarepants.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye, at which point it becomes a lawsuit. Get in.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On my signal, unleash hell. Do you want to learn to drive or not?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While the world has been pondering the ecological and economic ramifications of the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet, you’ve been wondering whether it increases or decreases your chances of getting some oral before you die.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Never go to sleep with an argument unresolved. If necessary resort to arm wrestling, though she does have the weight advantage.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cruising down the Texas highway in the hot August sun with a preacher testifying some of that old time religion on the radio, you suddenly think, ‘hang on, where the fuck is Homebase?’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with y… sorry mate, from behind you really look like a woman.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There are recognised stages to the grieving process – anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance and releasing a cobbled-together collection of your daughter’s demo recordings.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The trappings of Western society can eventually become a weight around our neck, dragging us down into joyless consumerism and stopping us from ascending into the heights of true happiness. So imagine yourself in a totally blank room, with a door marked ‘joy’ at one end and you can only walk through that door with what you can carry in your two hands. Even it does happen to be an anal dildo and a bumper bag of Wotsits.