Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your blind date describes herself as ‘warm, bubbly and lots of fun’ which either means she’s overweight or she’s a jacuzzi.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you’ll get somebody fired for doing what you told them to do just to avoid having to answer some slightly awkward questions and you won’t lose a single wink of sleep over it. Good for you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re flattered when your son’s doctor friends call you a MILF, not realising it actually stands for a Myocardial Infarction-Likely Female.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time, I’m having a ball. Don’t stop me now, if you wanna have a good time, phone somebody else you boring tit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The characters in the new computer game you’ve bought have amazingly realistic artificial intelligence which really comes into it’s own this week when they stop having anything to do with you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Jupiter looms large in your sign this month, looking over your shoulder when you’re trying to read the paper. Arsehole.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While other parents might complain about taking their teenage daughter to see the latest Twilight film, you’re happy to have the message that going anywhere near a boy’s cock might kill them rammed home in THX surround sound.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re disappointed that your section in Jamie’s Great Britain has been edited out, probably because you told him to keep his spitty face away from the pie you baked.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The first fingers of a tropical dawn pierce the leaf fronds of the coco trees, through which crystalline points of light pick out a gently-lapping tide that’s travelled all the way from the Indonesian coast to the caster sugar shoreline of your Seychelles home. Anyway, no time to stop and stare, you’ve got to make breakfast for 300 pasty-skinned, rich tourists for 25 pence an hour.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Everybody has their moment in the sun and yours will come this week on page 12, under the headline ‘Ban this pervert from owning a tortoise’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re confused by the ska album on your iPod, mainly because you don’t own any ska albums, until you realise it’s a heavy dub reggae album and you’ve taken an unfeasible amount of amphetamines.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s not easy when your office Secret Santa price limit is £5, as it doesn’t buy enough air freshener to disguise the smell of the wrapped-up turd you’re giving your boss.


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Danny Dyer to star as Dr Who

THE upcoming Doctor Who movie will portray the timelord as a cheeky cockney rogue.

Earlier plans to make the other kind of British film, where the Doctor is a sexually-repressed Edwardian who learns things about himself in a wood-panelled drawing room, were abandoned after Colin Firth turned it down.

Nervous investors are now hoping that gangland masturbatorist Guy Ritchie will bring his own brand of lucrative ADHD camera-pointing to the project, provisionally titled Doctor Who The Fuck Are You Looking At?

Whovianist Wayne Hayes said: “When I heard about the film I naturally drew up my list of 327 specific demands regarding dialogue, plotlines and the correct colour of Judoon uniforms but ‘a saucy caper involving a Tardis full of hooky gear’ was not amongst them.

“The Doctor is an ancient denizen of Gallifrey who protects the universe from evil, not a puffy-eyed imbecile from Newham with a fetish for criminals.

“Mark my words, the internet shall be hearing about this.”

Dyer is already preparing for the role by training with a bare-knuckle fighter in how to stripe somebody’s face using a sonic screwdriver and how to do that wide-boy strut of his while wearing rough tweed.

He said: “For me, the Doc has always been a bit of a tasty operator, y’get me geezer? The telly show has got all the aliens and shit but it’s never really looked at how he’d glass somebody who was mugging him off by touching up his bird, has it?

“Whelks, guvnor, oi-oi and so forth.”