Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Rather than throwing away the seeds when you cut up a pumpkin, why not dry roast them with a little black pepper? They make the ideal snack to nibble on while watching your other half demolish their way through a giant bag of Monster Munch.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Everyone has their Christmas traditions and you’re no different as every December you tell people you’ve become a Jehovah’s Witness and politely ask them to go fuck themsleves until January.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This is the end, my only friend, the end. No. Hang on. There’s going to be five more increasingly tedious albums after this one.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bored of fiddling with your colleague’s chair or dicking about with the air-conditioning, this week you bring a new level of unease to the office by burying a Native American under the photocopier.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You question your beliefs this week after watching your yoga teacher knock shite out of your crystal healer in a pub car park while your homeopath calls an ambulance.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s taken three years but you’ve finally tracked down everyone who owns a set-top box that TV ratings are calculated with. You join forces and convince advertisers that the 1230am show ‘Isidingo’ on the Africa Channel is watched by 18M people.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As you uncomfortably rise from your seat to sign an agreement to divert the majority of your investment portfolio into overseas accounts in a bid to reduce your tax liability you can honestly say that you also have moves like Jagger.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve been using the mental image of Margaret Thatcher having her first
dump of the day as an ejaculation deterrent for so long that you’re now
unable to maintain an erection without it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad start to the morning when you run out of your trendy caffeine
shampoo and your hair spends the whole morning calling you a prick.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Venus makes a surprise appearance in your sign this week, asks whether this is Scorpio then scurries off again when it realises it’s you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either somebody’s revving a motorcycle that runs on biofuel under your sofa or your wife needs to rethink her diet.

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Leaked climate emails force carbon dioxide to resign

CARBON dioxide has resigned from being a gas, it has been confirmed.

The move came after a fresh batch of leaked emails between climate scientists showed that CO2 had been lying about what it is and what it does.

According to one of the emails, sent by Julian Cook, a researcher at the University of East Anglia, carbon dioxide had got drunk and admitted it had made the whole thing up.

Cook adds: “He says he’s not even a gas, never mind a greenhouse gas. He says his name’s Brian and he used to work for Kwik Fit in Norwich.

“He says his application to UEA was turned down ‘because he doesn’t talk all posh’ and he’s done all of this just to embarrass us.

“What are we going to do???????”

But Professor Phil Jones replied: “For Christ’s sake don’t tell the press. In the meantime we have to go back to our notes and work out what in the name of fuck has been coming out of engines and power stations in ever increasing quantities for the last 150 years.

“Then we have to see if this thing traps heat in the atmosphere in the same way that Brian did.”

Martin Bishop, who has a PhD in blogging from Delingpole University, said: “At least carbon dioxide has finally owned up. Hopefully David Attenborough will now have the decency to stop machine-gunning my children into a pit.”

Meanwhile, carbon and oxygen, the gas’s constituent parts, have been suspended from the periodic table of elements pending the outcome of a high-level inquiry.

The chief medical officer is to issue guidelines for people who want to keep breathing and have bodies.