Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Rather than throwing away the seeds when you cut up a pumpkin, why not dry roast them with a little black pepper? They make the ideal snack to nibble on while watching your other half demolish their way through a giant bag of Monster Munch.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Everyone has their Christmas traditions and you’re no different as every December you tell people you’ve become a Jehovah’s Witness and politely ask them to go fuck themsleves until January.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This is the end, my only friend, the end. No. Hang on. There’s going to be five more increasingly tedious albums after this one.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bored of fiddling with your colleague’s chair or dicking about with the air-conditioning, this week you bring a new level of unease to the office by burying a Native American under the photocopier.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You question your beliefs this week after watching your yoga teacher knock shite out of your crystal healer in a pub car park while your homeopath calls an ambulance.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s taken three years but you’ve finally tracked down everyone who owns a set-top box that TV ratings are calculated with. You join forces and convince advertisers that the 1230am show ‘Isidingo’ on the Africa Channel is watched by 18M people.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As you uncomfortably rise from your seat to sign an agreement to divert the majority of your investment portfolio into overseas accounts in a bid to reduce your tax liability you can honestly say that you also have moves like Jagger.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve been using the mental image of Margaret Thatcher having her first
dump of the day as an ejaculation deterrent for so long that you’re now
unable to maintain an erection without it.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad start to the morning when you run out of your trendy caffeine
shampoo and your hair spends the whole morning calling you a prick.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Venus makes a surprise appearance in your sign this week, asks whether this is Scorpio then scurries off again when it realises it’s you.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either somebody’s revving a motorcycle that runs on biofuel under your sofa or your wife needs to rethink her diet.