Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Ooh eeh, ooh ah ah. Tingtang wallawallabingbang. So this is what I pay my national insurance for, is it?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Any gambling or new business venture you tried last week would have been a guaranteed success. Sorry, I knew there was something I meant to tell you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you’re curious why you were thrown out of that play last week about the inarticulate roar of the underclass set against the backdrop of a nation on the brink of collapse, shouting ‘He’s behind you!’ was certainly a factor.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your allergies include peanuts, shellfish, wool, dairy products and not being a fussy little shit.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After mishaps in the previous 12 police precincts you’ve worked in, you arrive in your new precinct with what turns out to be an unfounded level of optimism.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
HTTP 405: Vague bullshit not found.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me the depressing rota of family members we’ll be grimacing at for a fortnight.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from Channel 4 on your pitch for a follow-up to Desperate Scousewives set in Carlisle and called Slags With Regional Accents.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not show the world you’ve learned the lessons of the Leveson enquiry by standing 100 yards further away from a grieving widow’s house using a slightly longer lens?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An impressive performance at a blindfold wine tasting, where you tell the difference between the standard and the Grand Cru Margaux, is cut cruelly short as you don’t even see the Wine Warehouse security guard coming.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You fail in your attempt to get time off from work between Christmas and new year as your colleague’s family and travel commitments are considered more important than ‘trying to break my record of nine shitfaced days in a row’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you’re bitten by a radioactive cow and start fighting crime through your superhuman ability to ruminate grass through your four stomachs.


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Avoid oysters if you're a pussy, say manly experts

THE risk of Norovirus means that oysters are unsuitable for anyone lacking a pair of balls, it has been claimed.

The discovery that 76% of the shellfish contain the infectious bug has prompted aggressively masculine doctors to effectively challenge the public to eat as many as possible.

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Symptoms of Norovirus include acute vomiting and diarrhoea. It’s not like it’s going to kill you or anything.

“I had it, twice. Just came to work, put a bucket by my desk and carried on. My female colleagues seemed impressed but to me it wasn’t a big deal.”

Dr Malley continued: “My advice to anyone worried about oysters is stop whining like a little bitch.

“Cram as many as possible into your mouth in one go, add the juice of two lemons by crushing the fruit in your raised fists – some might go in your eyes but that will only make you feel more alive.

“Gulp the lot down and shout ‘bring it’ before rubbing your lemon-coated knuckles in a bowl of the jagged, discarded shells until they’re bloody and raw.”

He added: “If you can’t handle oysters, just get yourself a little Marks and Spencer Simply Gay trifle, or a cupcake with pink icing on it and nibble away at the edges like a tiny mouse.

“Just don’t be surprised if you never get anything you want in life.”