Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Ooh eeh, ooh ah ah. Tingtang wallawallabingbang. So this is what I pay my national insurance for, is it?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Any gambling or new business venture you tried last week would have been a guaranteed success. Sorry, I knew there was something I meant to tell you.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you’re curious why you were thrown out of that play last week about the inarticulate roar of the underclass set against the backdrop of a nation on the brink of collapse, shouting ‘He’s behind you!’ was certainly a factor.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your allergies include peanuts, shellfish, wool, dairy products and not being a fussy little shit.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After mishaps in the previous 12 police precincts you’ve worked in, you arrive in your new precinct with what turns out to be an unfounded level of optimism.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
HTTP 405: Vague bullshit not found.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me the depressing rota of family members we’ll be grimacing at for a fortnight.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from Channel 4 on your pitch for a follow-up to Desperate Scousewives set in Carlisle and called Slags With Regional Accents.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not show the world you’ve learned the lessons of the Leveson enquiry by standing 100 yards further away from a grieving widow’s house using a slightly longer lens?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An impressive performance at a blindfold wine tasting, where you tell the difference between the standard and the Grand Cru Margaux, is cut cruelly short as you don’t even see the Wine Warehouse security guard coming.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You fail in your attempt to get time off from work between Christmas and new year as your colleague’s family and travel commitments are considered more important than ‘trying to break my record of nine shitfaced days in a row’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you’re bitten by a radioactive cow and start fighting crime through your superhuman ability to ruminate grass through your four stomachs.