Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Romance isn’t dead, but since you backed the car out of the drive on the way to the restaurant, her cat most assuredly is.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As an Anglican vicar, you’re inspired by protesting Tibetan monks’ self-immolation, and show your anger at the closure of a nearby homeless shelter by scalding yourself with the back of a recently used teaspoon.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from Channel 4 on the pilot for your documentary ‘My Morbidly Obese Cornish Funeral’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The wondrous thing about the internet is the way it has enabled the people of the world to gather together and share their dreams, views and hopes for the future. If we accept that a synonym for the word ‘wondrous’ is ‘reason for wanting to apply your forehead to a bacon slicer’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve really matured recently, as proven by your decision to stop fannying around South America like you have been for the last four months, knuckle down and start putting in those two hours’ work for your £200K p/week.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
‘Distant Voices, Still Lives’ is a haunting, evocative portrayal of working class Anglo-Irish life by Terence Davies with a powerhouse performance by the magisterial Pete Postlethwaite. So no, I don’t think a DVD of ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ is ‘basically the same thing’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is merely the prelude to the main feature that is the after life which is why yours is so disjointed, dull and full of adverts.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A proud moment this week as you mange to tweet a weak pun based on a catastrophic event before the bereaved families even know their loved one is dead. But where’s your parade?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After an intimate Valentine’s dinner accompanied by a perfectly-chilled bottle of bubbly, the atmosphere is somewhat spoiled by Alf behind the bar announcing the winner of this week’s meat raffle.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While it’s important to encourage a child’s creativity, they should also know the importance of boundaries, but hanging an Etch A Sketch on the electric fence around the garden might be a little confusing for a toddler.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A disappointing result from the website checking your credit rating when you enter all your details and it turns out you owe the guy who runs it £100.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I’m not sure you can call it insomnia if you’ve been awake for three days straight with a guy called Carlo saying how much you fucking love The Ramones.


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GP prescribes ecstasy to miserable twat

A POST office worker from Kings Lynn has been prescribed ecstasy to stop him complaining about everything.

Wayne Hayes, 37, reported intense feelings of annoyance on a daily basis, to the point where it was almost impossible for him to function. 

He said: “I was reading far too much Peter Hitchens and listening to Wings back then.

“It got to the point where I even accused my wife of being a Bulgarian fruit picker. I was in a very dark place.

“But then my doctor told me he was trialling a radical new treatment for the male menopause.”

Hayes’  GP, Dr Julian Cook said: “Having consumed the drug, Wayne immediately stopped getting irate about minor political issues and instead had a bit of a dance to Primal Scream.

“Once he’d got a good buzz going not even a misplaced apostrophe or transient Slav could darken his mood.”

Hayes’ wife, Barbara, said the treatment has saved their marriage, adding: “Before he’d always be too busy shouting at The One Show or thrashing the dog to notice me.

“Now he’s so much more cheerful, hugging me, making experimental smoothies and repeatedly offering to give me a head massage.”