Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

A busy day at work this week as your colleague’s claim that there’s nothing worse than back pain sees you building a convoluted scrotum hammer for underneath his desk.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A proud day for Britain this week as Brazil’s economy overtakes ours by trading little more than nuts, pubic haircuts and glittery carnival costumes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of course, a diet is an essentially pointless exercise of denying yourself the usual psychological release you experience by eating fatty food, until you reach an arbitrarily-decided weight, at which point your self-destructive attitude to eating will recommence and your weight will spiral upwards, accompanied with an increased sense of self-loathing. But, y’know, 2 lbs off this week. Well done you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You experience that frisson of disappointment when you’re all set to tick off a fellow train passenger for playing their music loudly, only to find it’s a young black teenager and your ire dissolves into a puddle of cowardice and white, middle-class guilt.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re feeling really low this week and could do with the reassurance of supportive friends but you can’t face the effort of actually making some.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your definition of the word ‘news’ is reassessed this week as a Catholic cardinal neglects to denounce gay marriage and instead shouts “Let the bumming commence!” and starts dancing bare-chested to Sylvester.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A visit from Trading Standards this week sees your 5K ‘fun run’ dressed as Mr Blobby renamed a ‘mundane jog’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
“Here I go again on my own, going down the only the only road I’ve ever known”. Whitesnake really captured the helter-skelter life of a rural bus driver, didn’t they?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Life becomes much easier this week after you finally realise you can stop listening whenever anybody starts a sentence with “Isn’t it time we finally admitted…?”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your cat does have its own little personality, you’re right, Specifically, that of a serial killing, erotomaniac narcoleptic.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your father was a policeman, and his father before him. Which doesn’t mean you’ll become a policeman but it does mean you grew up in a household full of free stolen stuff and a robust attitude towards questions of race.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you open a can of whupass on somebody, which is a disappointment as the label said it was sweetcorn.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Graduates forced to take jobs that match their skills

‘UNIVERSITY’ graduates are increasingly having to take unskilled jobs commensurate with their lack of ability.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that the average wage for someone with a British university degree has fallen to pretty much where it should be.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The fact that 20% of new graduates are unemployed says less about the current job market and more about the age-old problem of fucknuts.

“Nevertheless our higher education system continues to do its job of producing people who can round-up shopping trollies without supervision.”

The study showed that the best paid graduates were those with degrees in medicine, dentistry and other things that actually need to be done.

Meanwhile, trade unions have demanded a halt to graduates taking unskilled jobs, insisting they do not want to represent people who are even worse than public sector workers.

Holly Turnbull, a 2:1 from Roehampton University, said: “I had some nebulous plan that my degree in Heaven 17 would translate into a six-figure income but all I have to show for it is a heartbreakingly predictable tattoo.

“I was explaining this the other day to an old friend I sneered at for leaving school at 16 to become a plumber. But he just jumped into his Audi while asking if I would like to clean his bogs.

“He has seven of them.”