Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A busy day at work this week as your colleague’s claim that there’s nothing worse than back pain sees you building a convoluted scrotum hammer for underneath his desk.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A proud day for Britain this week as Brazil’s economy overtakes ours by trading little more than nuts, pubic haircuts and glittery carnival costumes.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of course, a diet is an essentially pointless exercise of denying yourself the usual psychological release you experience by eating fatty food, until you reach an arbitrarily-decided weight, at which point your self-destructive attitude to eating will recommence and your weight will spiral upwards, accompanied with an increased sense of self-loathing. But, y’know, 2 lbs off this week. Well done you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You experience that frisson of disappointment when you’re all set to tick off a fellow train passenger for playing their music loudly, only to find it’s a young black teenager and your ire dissolves into a puddle of cowardice and white, middle-class guilt.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re feeling really low this week and could do with the reassurance of supportive friends but you can’t face the effort of actually making some.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your definition of the word ‘news’ is reassessed this week as a Catholic cardinal neglects to denounce gay marriage and instead shouts “Let the bumming commence!” and starts dancing bare-chested to Sylvester.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A visit from Trading Standards this week sees your 5K ‘fun run’ dressed as Mr Blobby renamed a ‘mundane jog’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
“Here I go again on my own, going down the only the only road I’ve ever known”. Whitesnake really captured the helter-skelter life of a rural bus driver, didn’t they?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Life becomes much easier this week after you finally realise you can stop listening whenever anybody starts a sentence with “Isn’t it time we finally admitted…?”
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your cat does have its own little personality, you’re right, Specifically, that of a serial killing, erotomaniac narcoleptic.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your father was a policeman, and his father before him. Which doesn’t mean you’ll become a policeman but it does mean you grew up in a household full of free stolen stuff and a robust attitude towards questions of race.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you open a can of whupass on somebody, which is a disappointment as the label said it was sweetcorn.