Fat people and smokers pay invisible taxes

THE tax and national insurance paid by smokers and the obese is completely invisible, it has been confirmed.

Doctors who have denied treatment to both groups said they had checked with the Inland Revenue and been assured that while there may be a record of the tax being paid the money was nowhere to be seen.

A BMA spokesman said: “Obviously we would not have denied treatment to people who had paid actual taxes. Not only would that be monstrously unfair, it sounds as if it should be against the law.

“No, we only deny treatment to poor people who don’t pay tax, or unsightly or malodorous people who are obviously lying about paying tax.”

He added: “We’re also very excited about denying treatment to lazy, unemployed people until they can be bothered to get themselves a decent job.’

The decision to kill smokers and fat people was backed by millions of voters who claim irresponsible lifestyles will destroy the NHS and that personal health insurance premiums based on how well you look after yourself will destroy the NHS.

Helen Archer, from Peterbourgh, said: “Some people say that smoking is no different from any other deliberate risk that leads to injury. But they’re wrong, because it is.

“It just is.”



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Iran's nuclear facilities inspected by Alex James

BLUR’S Alex James has delivered a glowing report of Iran’s Parchin military complex after becoming the only inspector allowed onto the site.

Musician and dairy farmer James, who was personally invited by President Ahmadinejad to see how Iran makes its weapons, emerged from his visit with overwhelmingly positive impressions of the controversial base.

He said: “Everyone at Parchin works very hard and is passionate about what they do – just like I am about cheese.

“I met a man called Omar who told me he just wants to ‘incinerate the Zionist pig-dog’.

“As a breeder of pedigree livestock I can fully understand why he doesn’t want pigs and dogs mixing, it would play havoc with the bloodlines. Good for him.”

The Britpop hero added: “It’s clear that the Iranians really care about their staff. They even have an ‘enrichment area’ where, presumably, they can do enriching things like reading books, painting and playing musical instruments.

“The machinery itself is big, shiny and noisy – real Willy Wonka stuff, if Mr Wonka was hell-bent on destroying Israel.”

A UN spokesman said: “President Ahmadinejad is a fan of James’s journalism, the song Country House which he believes mocks the decadent elite, and 90s UK indie rock in general.

“Despite our reservations, we feel this visit represents a step forward and have asked if a secret laboratory underneath the ancient city of Qom can be inspected by Teenage Fanclub.”