Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As England becomes permanently flooded, your webbed fingers put you ahead of the evolutionary curve.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s a fine line between Kung Fu and just running around in your PJs shouting at people.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you get the London look by taking a lipstick and writing Go fuck yourself across your forehead.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Convince fellow gym members that you didnt just join as a New Year resolution newbie by telling them youve been banned from all other local fitness clubs for your underwear-borrowing habit.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You’re still convinced that the fireworks on December 31st were to celebrate that massive shit you had.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Time to start planning your summer holiday with your friends. All you need first is to get some friends, a job to have a holiday from and a single reason for wanting to stay alive until summer.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! You want to lay off the fried food.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tell everyone at work you spent most of Christmas morning burying the family dog and the afternoon burying your nan. Thatll stop them telling you about their day.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a white man in your 30s the only shout out youre allowed to do is when I stamp on your scrotum for using that expression.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will wake up with your pillow smelling strangely of Jupiters balls.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re starting the year as you mean to go on – bilious, drunk, surrounded by chocolate and tinsel. High-five, big man.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youve been feeling run-down for several weeks now. While it might be that virus thats going around or lack of fresh vegetables, the crystal meth could also be a factor.