Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As England becomes permanently flooded, your webbed fingers put you ahead of the evolutionary curve.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s a fine line between Kung Fu and just running around in your PJs shouting at people.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you get the London look by taking a lipstick and writing ‘Go fuck yourself’ across your forehead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Convince fellow gym members that you didn’t just join as a New Year resolution newbie by telling them you’ve been banned from all other local fitness clubs for your underwear-borrowing habit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re still convinced that the fireworks on December 31st were to celebrate that massive shit you had.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Time to start planning your summer holiday with your friends. All you need first is to get some friends, a job to have a holiday from and a single reason for wanting to stay alive until summer.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! BOOM! Shake-shake-shake the room! You want to lay off the fried food.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tell everyone at work you spent most of Christmas morning burying the family dog and the afternoon burying your nan. That’ll stop them telling you about their day.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a white man in your 30s the only ‘shout out’ you’re allowed to do is when I stamp on your scrotum for using that expression.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will wake up with your pillow smelling strangely of Jupiter’s balls.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re starting the year as you mean to go on – bilious, drunk, surrounded by chocolate and tinsel. High-five, big man.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve been feeling run-down for several weeks now. While it might be that virus that’s going around or lack of fresh vegetables, the crystal meth could also be a factor.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Illuminati announces record sales of Toblerone

THE secret society running the world has announced a 43% increase in Christmas sales of its popular Toblerone bar.

Toblerone is the main revenue stream for the Illuminati, a shadowy organisation that manipulates governments for its own nefarious ends.

The distinctive ‘pyramid’ shape of the chocolate bar’s segments is a direct reference to the Illuminati’s logo. Toblerone packaging also carries an image of the Matterhorn, the hollowed-out mountain that houses the organisation’s main base.

A spokesman for the Illuminati said: “Thank God for Toblerone, because we aren’t making much out of controlling the world’s banking system right now.

“Also, the overheads involved with running the world are pretty massive. For example, we have a whole team of designers whose job it is to subtly incorporate the word ‘obey’ into cereal packet designs.

“That doesn’t even bring in money directly, it’s just about subtly influencing the masses.”

Tom Booker, who got a Toblerone for Christmas, said: “I’d never really thought about it before, but why else would it be that shape?

“The actual chocolate is delicious but you’ve got a mass of angles trying to punch through your jaw.”

Chocolate fan Nikki Hollis said: “Part of the reason I buy Toblerones is to support the Illuminati. I actually think they do a really good job for very little credit.

“They’re like the Lyon’s Club but with more emphasis on mind control.”