Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your New Year resolutions are going swimmingly, assuming you resolved to eat expired mince pies more often.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Curious about what it felt like to announce your atheism 200 years ago, this week you will meet up with your hipster friends in a gastropub and announce that you think Stewart Lee is shit.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will write to ITV and BBC, asking them to help the fight to reduce binge drinking by making their weekend schedule less dreadful.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your self-help book has a typo in it, and youre actually meant to greet people in a genial manner. In other news you will shortly be placed on a register.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
After turning up your stereo really loud, you discover that in the song of the same name Roy Orbison whispers …and wanking after the word Crying.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from Channel 5 about your documentary on people going to Central Asia for sex change operations called Is Becky Stan?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
During your interview to work in the bakery, when they ask what qualifies you for the role don’t say it’s your yeast infection.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will convince a court that its possible to embarrass a man who calls himself Rocknroll.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Theres a starman waiting in the sky, hed like to come and meet us but he thinks hed blow our minds. And, more worryingly, our dog.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can blame dole scroungers, or immigrants, or single parent families, but why not…actually, just doing that seems to have worked for you so far, forget I said anything.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes it is called rubbing alcohol but no, I dont think rubbing it on your tongue is acceptable.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No Im not sending this horoscope by semaphore, my hands are on fire.