Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your New Year resolutions are going swimmingly, assuming you resolved to eat expired mince pies more often.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Curious about what it felt like to announce your atheism 200 years ago, this week you will meet up with your hipster friends in a gastropub and announce that you think Stewart Lee is shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will write to ITV and BBC, asking them to help the fight to reduce binge drinking by making their weekend schedule less dreadful.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your self-help book has a typo in it, and you’re actually meant to greet people in a ‘genial’ manner. In other news you will shortly be placed on a register.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After turning up your stereo really loud, you discover that in the song of the same name Roy Orbison whispers “…and wanking” after the word “Crying”.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from Channel 5 about your documentary on people going to Central Asia for sex change operations called “Is Becky Stan?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
During your interview to work in the bakery, when they ask what qualifies you for the role don’t say it’s your yeast infection.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will convince a court that it’s possible to embarrass a man who calls himself ‘Rocknroll’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s a starman waiting in the sky, he’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds. And, more worryingly, our dog.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can blame dole scroungers, or immigrants, or single parent families, but why not…actually, just doing that seems to have worked for you so far, forget I said anything.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes it is called rubbing alcohol but no, I don’t think rubbing it on your tongue is acceptable.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No I’m not sending this horoscope by semaphore, my hands are on fire.