Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your New Year resolutions are going swimmingly, assuming you resolved to eat expired mince pies more often.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Curious about what it felt like to announce your atheism 200 years ago, this week you will meet up with your hipster friends in a gastropub and announce that you think Stewart Lee is shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will write to ITV and BBC, asking them to help the fight to reduce binge drinking by making their weekend schedule less dreadful.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your self-help book has a typo in it, and you’re actually meant to greet people in a ‘genial’ manner. In other news you will shortly be placed on a register.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After turning up your stereo really loud, you discover that in the song of the same name Roy Orbison whispers “…and wanking” after the word “Crying”.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from Channel 5 about your documentary on people going to Central Asia for sex change operations called “Is Becky Stan?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
During your interview to work in the bakery, when they ask what qualifies you for the role don’t say it’s your yeast infection.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will convince a court that it’s possible to embarrass a man who calls himself ‘Rocknroll’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s a starman waiting in the sky, he’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds. And, more worryingly, our dog.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can blame dole scroungers, or immigrants, or single parent families, but why not…actually, just doing that seems to have worked for you so far, forget I said anything.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes it is called rubbing alcohol but no, I don’t think rubbing it on your tongue is acceptable.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No I’m not sending this horoscope by semaphore, my hands are on fire.



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Bowie comeback overshadowed by John Terry's return

NEWS that John Terry is fully fit has blown David Bowie’s comeback out of the water.

Bowie’s team had spent months secretly recording his first material in ten years and assumed it would be a media sensation.

However, they had reckoned without the news that John Terry had finally won his battle with fitness and was set to retake his place in the Chelsea back four.

To date, Bowie’s new single Where Are We Now? has been downloaded just 48 times, a victim of what cultural commentators have called “The Terry factor”.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “David Bowie always had a keen sense of the ‘zeitgeist’, but clearly he’s spent too much time in that Swiss chateau of his and failed to understand the national mood of Terrymania.

“I personally like David Bowie, but I fucking love John Terry.”

However, other believe that this was a publicity stunt gone wrong.

John Terry biographer Roy Hobbs said: “It’s my belief that Bowie knew Terry would be fit around now and deliberately tried to get on board his bandwagon.

“Well, this is his biggest misjudgment since the Tin Machine tour. I think we’ll be hearing very little about David Bowie in the days and weeks to come, or any time after.”