Microsoft perfects technology nobody wants to steal

YOU don’t have to worry about anyone wanting to steal your Microsoft tablet, the corporation has claimed.

After thieves entered Microsoft’s California development centre and stole only Apple products, executives hailed the event as a milestone in ‘theft proof’ computing.

A Microsoft spokesman said: “That’s always been our biggest challenge – designing a computer nobody would want to steal. It’s why we’ve made them look like that.

“To test our products, we deliberately left the fire escape open and sent a round robin email to all the crackheads in a 30 mile radius.

“We’re proud to say they didn’t even think about stealing a Microsoft Surface.

“However they did take an iPad belonging to the only cool person in the office, Jeff, who’s into music and girls.

“He’s such an idiot for buying one of those things.”

Crack-addicted petty thief Tom Logan said: “I will steal most things to fuel my drug addiction, but where Microsoft stuff is concerned my aesthetic sensibilities kick in.

“They’re OK I suppose, but somehow not the sort out thing you want other people to see you jumping out of a window with. However now I understand that’s all deliberate, so it’s quite clever really.

“Still, Microsoft might want to change their logo from just writing ‘Microsoft’ in a 90s font. I mean I’m not a design guy, I’m a crackhead, but it’s a thought.”



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All middle class people on the 'Wolf Hall spectrum'

EVERY middle class person is either reading, has recently read or is thinking about reading Wolf Hall, it has emerged.

Experts at the Institute for Studies have formulated a ‘Wolf Hall spectrum’ allowing middle class people to compare their intellectual status based on their relationship to Hilary Mantel’s historical epic.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “At the low end of the spectrum we have WH1s, who have ordered the book from Amazon but it has not yet arrived.

“Next are the WH2s, who own a copy but have yet to find ‘space in their schedule’ to start reading it.

“Top of the scale are the WH10s, who read Wolf Hall in one sitting without having to go back and look at the diagrams in the front explaining who everyone is.”

Architect and WH10 Emma Bradford said: “For a historical book it’s surprisingly readable, especially when you’re clever like me.

“However becoming so totally immersed in Tudor stuff has left me strangely anxious about ‘sweating sickness’ and when my husband got a cold I burned all his clothes in the garden.

She added: “Apparently working class people don’t like the book, they think it’s going to be about werewolves and give up after the third chapter.”

According to Professor Brubaker, middle class people see Wolf Hall as ‘the Game of Thrones it’s ok to like’.