Babies 'shirking'


INFANTS could get jobs if they wanted to, according to the prime minister.

Defending child benefit cuts, David Cameron said: “Should we as a nation subsidise these tiny milk addicts who want to loll around in their own excrement listening to nursery rhymes?

“You don’t need to be able to walk to work in a call centre.

“If they can say ‘dada’ I’m sure they could also say ‘hi you’re speaking to Stephen, can I please take your customer ID number?'”



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Inside of Alex Jones's head 'like Hitler chatting to Yosemite Sam'

ALEX Jones is the result of an intense conversation between Adolf Hitler and the angry midget prospector, Yosemite Sam, psychiatrists have confirmed.

Brain experts leapt into action after millions of people saw Jones being interviewed by Piers Morgan and immediately asked what on earth was wrong with him.

Dr Martin Bishop said: “Like Hitler, the International Jewish Banking and/or Communist Conspiracy is the foundation stone of his meandering, psychotic paranoia.

“But it is mingled with the indomitable wild west spirit of the greatest outlaw philosopher north, south, east and west of the Pecos.

“I suspect that if we peer inside Alex Jones’s head when he is being quiet we would see either Hitler writing Mein Kampf in Landsberg prison, or Yosemite Sam being lifted into the air by firing his guns directly into the ground.

“I would not be surprised if Jones is writing a 3,000-page book about rabbits.”

Jones left Morgan almost speechless with his theory on how ‘international bankers’ want to take his guns and his gold, before advising the CNN presenter to ‘say his prayers’.

Bishop added: “Like Sam, Jones will never surrender his weapons despite being blown-up repeatedly by his own dynamite.

“But most importantly he will never admit defeat to a no-good, low-down, varmint. Who is also from New York. Like Woody Allen.”