Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Youre looking forward to the special edition Emeli Sande album with the dinner party chat and occasional cry of ‘Fucksake, not her again’ dubbed straight onto it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week a man in a pub will tell you hes Will.I.Ams permanently surprised British cousin, Well.I.Never. And you believe him.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bad luck your first job in a film studio is the unenviable task of telling Quentin Tarantino hes not black.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Youve had no booze or fags since New Year s Day which would be impressive if you werent trapped under a wardrobe.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Its official jokes based on the concept of Schrödingers Cat are dead. Or possibly not.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Impossible is just a word. Massive coronary during your first rock-climbing lesson is eight words.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from Hollywood on your script about a maverick Dungeons & Dragons player foiling terrorists, 12-Sided Die Hard.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cut down on your heating expenses this winter by turning off radiators in empty rooms, wearing a cardigan indoors and telling EDF to go fuck themselves.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Following the example of your MP, you go into work this week and ask for a 32% pay rise, a diamond the size of a watermelon and a go on your bosss wife while youre at it.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Women are usually impressed by men quoting Shakespeare but not when your date complains about her steak and you call her “The green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The star sign Bonjela has not been recognised. You have not been charged for this horoscope.