Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re looking forward to the special edition Emeli Sande album with the dinner party chat and occasional cry of ‘Fucksake, not her again’ dubbed straight onto it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Thursday it’s Take An Arsehole Onto Public Transport Day. No, you don’t have to bring anyone.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week a man in a pub will tell you he’s Will.I.Am’s permanently surprised British cousin, Well.I.Never. And you believe him.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bad luck – your first job in a film studio is the unenviable task of telling Quentin Tarantino he’s not black.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve had no booze or fags since New Year ’s Day which would be impressive if you weren’t trapped under a wardrobe.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s official – jokes based on the concept of Schrödinger’s Cat are dead. Or possibly not.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Impossible is just a word. ‘Massive coronary during your first rock-climbing lesson’ is eight words.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from Hollywood on your script about a maverick Dungeons & Dragons player foiling terrorists, 12-Sided Die Hard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cut down on your heating expenses this winter by turning off radiators in empty rooms, wearing a cardigan indoors and telling EDF to go fuck themselves.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Following the example of your MP, you go into work this week and ask for a 32% pay rise, a diamond the size of a watermelon and a go on your boss’s wife while you’re at it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Women are usually impressed by men quoting Shakespeare but not when your date complains about her steak and you call her “The green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on.”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The star sign ‘Bonjela’ has not been recognised. You have not been charged for this horoscope.