Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Roses are red, due to anthocyanins in the petals. Violets are blue, like some heavy metals. Who says science can’t be romantic?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After the popularity of ‘pinch punch, first of the month’ this week you tried to popularize the phrase ‘Kick in the balls, it’s the 12th after all’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You contact the Vatican to find out who the landlord is after hearing the Pope only needed to give 17 days notice rather than the month’s notice you’ve got to give on your shithole of a bedsit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your sister has fallen in love with a drummer and whenever she sees him her heart beats faster, then slower, then faster.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Add a little drama to your life by hugging people and making a devious or concerned face over their shoulder.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your tattooist friend in America tells you this week that Chris Brown has had to remove the Rihanna tattoo from his bicep after he kept giving himself a dead arm.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Zombies, for fuck’s sake? What are you, 12?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Surveys have shown that people find moving house even more stressful than attending a funeral, so when your best friend asks you to help him move, there’s only really one option.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This Valentine’s night will find you staring across the table at the most handsome man you’ve ever seen, until his wife comes back from the toilet and the maitre d’ asks you to leave.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your terrible sense of direction is confirmed this week when you get lost in the maps section of Waterstone’s.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re not convinced your company takes sexual harassment seriously when the outcome of your grievance is formally listed as ‘Bitch be trippin”.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A big fan of Robin van Persie, you decide to name your son an anglicized version of his name. You just hope the vicar will do a christening for Bob Lorrycock.



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Supply Pope hasn't even read the Bible

JOSEPH Ratzinger has been temporarily replaced by an incompetent supply Pope, it has emerged.

38-year-old Tom Logan was hired from an agency to cover as head of the Catholic Church until a permanent pope is found.

Addressing a vast crowd from his balcony in the Vatican, smart-casually dressed Logan said: “Hi everyone, I’ll be your pope just for the next couple of weeks or so.

“How’s it all been going lately?

“I thought today we could do some reading. Does anyone want to tell me where you’ve all gotten up to in the Bible?”

It is unclear whether Logan has any ecclesiastical experience. When not performing papal duties he sits in his 1997 Passat in the Vatican car park, smoking cigarettes and using his phone to argue with a woman.

Cardinal Julian Cook said: “When I asked him what his favourite part of the bible was he said ‘all of it’, then when I pressed him he randomly opened a Bible at Leviticus and said, ‘Leviticus’.

“Also he said gay marriage was ‘probably fine’ then looked at everyone’s faces and said, ‘I meant definitely not fine’.

“To make matters worse, he’s given me a list of prospective saints that includes ‘The remaining Bee Gees’ and Michael Caine.”