Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
And we can build this dream together, standing tall forever, nothing’s gonna stop us now. Pending planning permission.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You prefer to think of buying your house as making a six-figure bet with your bank manager that your wife won’t get tired of your shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your Mancunian friend drinks all his beer this weekend and has an out-of-Boddies experience.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No news from your bank manager about your business loan for a West London pornography emporium called Sexual Ealing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In an interesting experiment at work, you write down the word ‘skin’, show it a photo of George Galloway and it crawls right off the page.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a lecturer you’re used to students texting or doodling, but things go too far this week when a game of volleyball breaks out.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You wish your boss would make her mind up. You’re not allowed to drink during work hours but shotgunning a Special Brew outside the office at 8:55 is apparently ‘unprofessional’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No matter how much of a rush you’re in, love letters should never start “To whom it may concern”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Make life a bit more exciting – every time you have to say the word ‘no’, drop to your knees and scream it at the sky like in the movies. “Do you take sugar?” “NOOOOOooOOoOOO!!!!!”

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now is your time to shine. So get the Kiwi out, sharpish.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
#youregoingtodieonSaturday

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Crime glamorous again

A MASSIVE diamond heist heralds a new golden age of sexy crime, it has been claimed.

Thieves in Brussels cut a hole in a plane to steal gems worth $50m, just like something out of a film.

There is already widespread speculation that the escapade was masterminded by a handsome, bored billionaire playboy who just does it for the thrill, probably working with a team of incredibly attractive women.

Criminologist Roy Hobbs said: “Crime had gotten downright tawdry in recent years. It was all crack cocaine, tax avoidance and horrible murders.

“So it’s great to see criminals bringing back some classic panache.

“I know it’s basically armed robbery, but Hollywood teaches us that you have to cut robbers some slack if they do it in a cool way.

“I’ll bet the diamond mastermind is back in his private castle, having a sexually-charged game of chess with a beautiful FBI agent who’s falling under his spell.”

He added: “Clearly I should be rooting for the police, but they seem so dull by comparison, with their cheap suits and bumbling ways.”