Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The RAC breakdown recovery line stops accepting your calls this week after you ring them for the 49th time about your recent sacking and divorce.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you assert that “I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking” are you assuming everyone else has taken racist ketamine?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn’t a footballer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I see big things coming your way in the near future. Sadly they’re inoperable.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JULY)
After asking for a Dirty Martini to be put on your tab, the bartender wearily explains that you don’t have a tab, he isn’t a bartender and this is actually a branch of Argos.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Not a good sign this weekend when you take your car in for an MOT and the only thing it passes is the “Isn’t on fire” test.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you’ll find that Ben E King, far from not being afraid just as long as you stand by him, is actually terrified when you do it in an otherwise deserted urinal.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Spring is in the air, as evidenced by the fact you’ve recently been absent-mindedly been rubbing your crotch against everything in the house.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re feeling stressed the best thing is to stay calm, unless they’ve pried open the door on that lockup you hired ten years ago, in which case you’re fucked.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
When you and your friends go out for drinks it’s just like Sex & The City. There was an episode where Carrie punched a bouncer and was sick in her handbag, right?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A spoonful of sugar generally does help the medicine go down, unless it’s an enema, in which case it can feel quite gritty.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The horoscopes terminate here. All change, please.



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Guardian readers pay tribute to man who would have banned the Guardian

GUARDIAN readers were today in mourning for a man who would have banned the Guardian if it was in Venezuela. 

The death of President Hugo Chavez has robbed Britain’s left wing of an heroic figure whose bravely authoritarian regime stood up to America and journalism.

Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, said: “He was sort of democratically elected and in many ways Venezuela was kind of almost a free country. I’ll miss him so much.”

Emma Bradford, a level six Guardian reader from Stevenage, added: “He introduced free healthcare and free education and if you have those two things then why on earth would you need a free press?

“Yes, we have those things in Britain and we have a free press, but – for our sins – we are much more complex than the noble Latin American peasants.”

She added: “I only use Venezuelan petrol in my Saab because it has been properly taxed.”

Tom Booker, from Hackney, added: “Journalists would have had a much easier time in Venezuela if they had just agreed with President Chavez. If you read his autobiography you’d realise that he was actually very nice.

“The oil tax paid for precious, beautiful things like schools, hospitals, secret police and the wildly popular TV show Stop What You Are Doing and Listen to the President.”

Meanwhile, tributes were also paid to Chavez by the usual arseholes.

Ken Livingstone, George Galloway and Gerry Adams all said he was a great man, which is pretty much all you need to know about Hugo Chavez.