Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The RAC breakdown recovery line stops accepting your calls this week after you ring them for the 49th time about your recent sacking and divorce.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you assert that “I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking” are you assuming everyone else has taken racist ketamine?
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn’t a footballer.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I see big things coming your way in the near future. Sadly they’re inoperable.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JULY)
After asking for a Dirty Martini to be put on your tab, the bartender wearily explains that you don’t have a tab, he isn’t a bartender and this is actually a branch of Argos.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Not a good sign this weekend when you take your car in for an MOT and the only thing it passes is the “Isn’t on fire” test.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you’ll find that Ben E King, far from not being afraid just as long as you stand by him, is actually terrified when you do it in an otherwise deserted urinal.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Spring is in the air, as evidenced by the fact you’ve recently been absent-mindedly been rubbing your crotch against everything in the house.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re feeling stressed the best thing is to stay calm, unless they’ve pried open the door on that lockup you hired ten years ago, in which case you’re fucked.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
When you and your friends go out for drinks it’s just like Sex & The City. There was an episode where Carrie punched a bouncer and was sick in her handbag, right?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A spoonful of sugar generally does help the medicine go down, unless it’s an enema, in which case it can feel quite gritty.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The horoscopes terminate here. All change, please.