Overweight people have no heads

THE overweight torsos seen in television news reports have no heads attached to them, it has emerged.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most people assume that the portly pedestrians in TV reports about the ‘obesity crisis’ had heads which are deliberately kept out of shot.

“In fact they are an altogether new breed of tubby, headless human.

“Basically they’re just ambulatory stomachs that absorb food via their pores.”

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Sad losers thrilled by new Lamborghini

THE sort of men who will never even own a car have been thrilled by the new Lamborghini Veneno.

The launch of the 220mph, £3million supercar has triggered heartbreaking levels of excitement among thousands of single males who still live with their mum.

Wayne Hayes, 32, said: “The 6.5 litre engine means it can do 0-60 in under three seconds, which would get me to my part-time job at Aldi in no time.

“With super-strong carbon fibre bodywork and optimal aerodynamics, the Veneno would definitely be my supercar of choice if I had a driving licence and financial autonomy from my parents.

“And the high-tech, racing-style seats would be seeing a bit of action too, because if I had a Veneno I’d probably stop sweating copiously whenever I talk to girls.

“In fact the only downside to the Veneno is that there is literally no chance of me ever owning one, except in poster form.”

Trainee catering assistant Tom Booker, 26, said: “I’ve worked out that if I get a job paying £100,000 a year and only spend money on the bare minimum of food to stay alive, I’ll be able to buy one in 2053.

“It’s a long time to wait, but it’ll be worth it. Even my mum’s started asking me when I’m going to have sex.”

A Lamborghini spokesman said: “It’s all so heartbreaking we might just give some Venenos away free to these sad bastards.”