Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
In the current cold weather, spare a thought for the elderly. Sat watching Cash In The Attic and eating digestives while youre out at work, the skiving bastards.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Youve always liked to relax with a really hot bath and a load of gin, just like your mum did when she first found out she was having you.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You still find air travel glamorous. Plus the terminal Wetherspoons is the only place you can drink at 6am without being judged.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Jimmy doesnt appreciate your attempt at humour when, during a family funeral, you say Well, thats another Nail in the coffin.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Its annoying the way supermarkets try to up-sell products. Why cant they stock single Shakurs?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Congratulations – you lose several pounds this week when you have your foot amputated.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Everyone at work dresses up to raise money for Comic Relief but youre the only one who has to see HR on Monday as your costume is deemed A bit too Klan-y.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Unable to afford Cheltenham this year, you get your gambling fix by strapping your toddlers to dogs and driving up the road trailing a pork chop.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A series of misunderstandings finds you landing the job of Indonesian foreign secretary by Saturday teatime. So youd better Sky+ Take Me Out.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Two wrongs dont make a right but they do mark the start of a self-destructive pattern of behaviour that will ultimately rob you of any chance at happiness. As your old nan used to say.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you watch a documentary on why thumbs are so useful. Gripping stuff.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The tumbrils have sounded and blue is go. Blue is go. Godspeed.