Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
In the current cold weather, spare a thought for the elderly. Sat watching Cash In The Attic and eating digestives while you’re out at work, the skiving bastards.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve always liked to relax with a really hot bath and a load of gin, just like your mum did when she first found out she was having you.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You still find air travel glamorous. Plus the terminal Wetherspoons is the only place you can drink at 6am without being judged.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Jimmy doesn’t appreciate your attempt at humour when, during a family funeral, you say “Well, that’s another Nail in the coffin”.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s annoying the way supermarkets try to up-sell products. Why can’t they stock single Shakurs?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Congratulations – you lose several pounds this week when you have your foot amputated.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Everyone at work dresses up to raise money for Comic Relief but you’re the only one who has to see HR on Monday as your costume is deemed “A bit too Klan-y”.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Unable to afford Cheltenham this year, you get your gambling fix by strapping your toddlers to dogs and driving up the road trailing a pork chop.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A series of misunderstandings finds you landing the job of Indonesian foreign secretary by Saturday teatime. So you’d better Sky+ Take Me Out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do mark the start of a self-destructive pattern of behaviour that will ultimately rob you of any chance at happiness. As your old nan used to say.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you watch a documentary on why thumbs are so useful. Gripping stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The tumbrils have sounded and blue is go. Blue is go. Godspeed.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

NASA secretly discovered sexy Martian women

NASA scientists found a tribe of sexy women living on Mars but decided to keep it to themselves, it has emerged.

The existence of buxom, man-starved aliens emerged after US government officials questioned why NASA’s Curiosity Rover had apparently only found really dull things like sediment and microbes.

A NASA spokesman said: “We admit forgetting to mention the floating city of the incredibly buxom Martian warrior princesses.

“If you’re interested, they spend most of their time engaged in lesbian sexual activity. When not doing that, they are either sword fighting, bathing or combing either other’s hair.”

It since has emerged that NASA had been planning a manned Mars mission, with a team consisting entirely of male NASA staff.

The NASA spokesman said: “Look, for whatever reason Earth girls simply don’t go for scientists.

“No, they prefer big, lumbering macho idiots who drive fast and don’t get excited by mineral deposits. God knows why.

“Finding these sexy Martian girls prompted a lot of scientific questions we wanted to answer for ourselves.

“What do they eat? How do they breathe? Do they secretly long for the embrace of a pale, bespectacled man?”