Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. But I should still get that windscreen wiper fixed.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As an up-and-coming bishop, you’re gutted when the Pope uses one of your blessings in a Mass. Now people will think you nicked it from him.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your latest project involves Russell Brand and James Corden completing a number of increasingly arduous and dangerous tasks. What television program?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your theories on the non-linear nature of time are insufficient to avoid your KFC line manager bollocking you for lateness.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To bolster the masculinity you feel wearing your ‘Jack Wolfskin’ coat, you buy yourself a pair of ‘Fist Hammerbastard’ boots.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your nan fails to thank you this week for the sweater you get her with the ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ logo.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Friendship isn’t measured by how long you’ve known each other, how many laughs you’ve shared or how many times they’ve caught you when you fall. It’s by how much platitudinous bullshit you’ll take off them.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your life is halfway to becoming a romantic comedy as you’re often meeting women who take an instant dislike to you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you put your hands in the air but find it hard to wave them like you just don’t care because it’s in the context of a bank robbery.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your parents did a terrible job raising you. What? Wolves, you say? Oh, fair enough.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your growing maturity this week means you look at a pack of ‘Blacksticks’ cheese in the supermarket and don’t immediately say the word ‘fucksticks’ out loud.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Scratch away this section of your computer screen to reveal this week’s hidden horoscope.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Jedi church split on ewok-wookiee marriage

LEADING Jedis are divided on marriage between different alien species, it has emerged.

As Jedi weddings in the UK on Earth became a possibility, intergalactic experts warned that Endor is in the grip of a political shit-storm.

Supreme commander of the galactic senate, Martin Bishop, said: “Here in a galaxy far, far away, same-sex marriage between Jedis has been legal for centuries. Fine.

“But we just can’t get our heads round the logistics of wookiee-ewok unions. It’s like a massive spaniel boning a tiny bear. Very hard to say whether that’s ok.

“Also, imagine the state of the plughole afterwards.”

Members of the Presbyterian Ewok Church of Endor have described ewok-wookiee marriage as a “dangerous experiment” and marched on the capital with placards declaring ‘Wookiee sex is Sith!’

29-year-old ewok Julian Cook said “Me and my wookiee went to that rally and posed under the placard with our own placard which had ‘-SATIONAL!!!’ written on it. We are so awesome and cute together.”

Liberal stormtrooper Tom Logan said: “This isn’t Empire policy but personally I think it’s totally natural and all part of the Force. You can go about your business.”

He added: “Move along.”