Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. But I should still get that windscreen wiper fixed.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As an up-and-coming bishop, youre gutted when the Pope uses one of your blessings in a Mass. Now people will think you nicked it from him.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Your latest project involves Russell Brand and James Corden completing a number of increasingly arduous and dangerous tasks. What television program?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your theories on the non-linear nature of time are insufficient to avoid your KFC line manager bollocking you for lateness.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To bolster the masculinity you feel wearing your Jack Wolfskin coat, you buy yourself a pair of Fist Hammerbastard boots.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your nan fails to thank you this week for the sweater you get her with the Do Not Resuscitate logo.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Friendship isnt measured by how long youve known each other, how many laughs youve shared or how many times theyve caught you when you fall. Its by how much platitudinous bullshit youll take off them.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your life is halfway to becoming a romantic comedy as youre often meeting women who take an instant dislike to you.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you put your hands in the air but find it hard to wave them like you just don’t care because it’s in the context of a bank robbery.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your parents did a terrible job raising you. What? Wolves, you say? Oh, fair enough.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your growing maturity this week means you look at a pack of Blacksticks cheese in the supermarket and dont immediately say the word fucksticks out loud.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Scratch away this section of your computer screen to reveal this weeks hidden horoscope.