Britain's only hope is a tax on boasting

A TAX on bragging about your salary would be the fairest way to smash the deficit, experts have claimed.

As George Osborne prepares to wave a red briefcase containing disappointment, researchers at the Institute for Studies lobbied for a ‘boasting tax’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Boasting is Britain’s main output, and a potentially huge revenue stream.

“For a nation that’s supposed to be broke, many of us are overly comfortable about discussing how well we’re doing.

“Every day thousands of expert boasters carefully direct the conversation towards the ‘considerable’ sums they’re paid.

“Thanks to our culture being a lake of shit, modesty is now considered ‘old-fashioned’, as if it were the preserve of tweed-clad borderline racists.”

Professor Brubaker proposes a system whereby anyone showing off about their earnings is charged 20% of their weekly salary per minute.

He said: “It’s perfect because the bored people listening have an excuse to look at their watches, while the braggart is publicly seen to be throwing money around, which is what they want.”

48-year-old company director Roy Hobbs said: “Obviously this would affect me as I actually earn a lot of money, 83.5K with generous benefits since you ask.

“I enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle in which quality wine features heavily. We have a ‘bespoke’ kitchen and go to watch opera without feeling self-conscious.”



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Ayia Napa ravers urged to large it

CYPRUS has pinned its economic hopes on the ravers of Ayia Napa. 

After plans for a savings tax proved unpopular, the government of Cyprus will introduce a 10% levy on every pill sold in its coastal party resort.

A Cypriot government spokesman said: “We need tourists and locals alike to come out and start having it fucking large.

“I say Ayia, you say Napa! And so forth.”