Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week, you learn that if you try to lean on Bill Withers he absolutely hates it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You should have two or three nights off the booze a week but I’m not sure your 18-hour blackouts really count.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you realise how badly named chopsticks are when you try to eat one with them.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So you mispronounced the word to indicate a witty response? Some people can be so touché.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your hospitalised nan is responding to treatment. Although the response is, “If anything it’s making things worse.”

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your foolproof Grand National betting system is based on whichever horse has most recently done a shit.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say ‘write about what you know’ but if you write about a novelist who never writes his novel it’s no longer something you know and your brain starts to hurt.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your petition to see how Jeremy Hunt would get on at A & E if he had life-threatening injures attracts police attention.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Somebody broke the passenger window of your car and there’s a big steaming turd on the back seat. Which is probably what put them off getting into it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your online dating profile might attract more hits if it didn’t have that photo of you gelding that horse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Seeing the concept of ‘Spring Break’ popularised in the UK reminds you to book a trip to an assisted suicide clinic.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This horoscope costs £2 p/min so given the speed you read, you owe me a tenner.