The Mash Guide to Making Money From Your Spare Bedroom

A SPARE bedroom could cost you £22 a week, so there’s no excuse for letting it lie fallow.

Here’s how to turn that money pit into a cash cow:

Soft play area – Fill the room waist-deep with colourful balls, write the words ‘Fun Jungle’ on the door. Tired parents will queue up to dump their offspring at a generous hourly rate, while in your cafe/kitchen they can enjoy a range of hot drinks and banter about how they’ve completely lost interest in sex.

Museum of Erotic Art – A museum is just some shit in a place. People pay big money to walk around them because staring at inanimate objects is ‘educational’ and apparently not just a more boring, antiquated version of telly. All you need is a theme – ‘erotica’ generally works well because it suggests tits. ‘The age of steam’ is good for the UKIP-friendly, borderline racist grandad contingent.

Drugs factory – Sometimes the oldies are the goldies. A bedroom full of skunk is easy, profitable, cool like on that Breaking Bad show and best of all it’s organic. Pro tip: if busted, say there was a seed mix-up and you were growing lemon basil to be sold at farmers’ markets.

‘Massage’ business – Everyone’s using prostitutes these days: full intercourse with a prostitute is the modern equivalent of lapdancing. A single girl turning six tricks a day will more than cover your costs, and a prophylactic machine in the hall gives you a little walking-around money.

Church of semi-ironic bullshit religion – Inventing religions is popular again and the tax breaks are really eye-catching. Lift a belief system from a 70s children’s science fiction film and then behave like it’s an actual thing. It’ll start as a bit of fun, but within a month you’ll be trying to hit a football with a poker while blindfolded.

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Some people will get eaten, admit creators of 'real-life Jurassic Park'

THE team behind a cutting-edge robot dinosaur park in Australia have admitted that multiple deaths are inevitable.

Designer Roy Hobbs said: “Will the dinosaur robots malfunction during a storm, somehow becoming re-programmed to ‘kill mode’ and wreaking bloody havoc?

“Of course they will. We predict at least 30 tourists will be torn limb from limb.

“But looking at the bigger picture, it will be worth it to have an awesome robot dinosaur leisure park.”