Welfare reforms aimed at Frank Gallagher

THE government’s welfare cuts are targeted at the fictional character Frank Gallagher.

Changes to the benefits system have been rushed through after ministers assumed Channel 4 comedy drama Shameless was a documentary.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “Frank Gallagher seems to think there is something amusing about his irresponsible behavior, but this is no laughing matter.

“The mind boggles at what Frank and his family must have cost the taxpayer over the years with their bootleg hooch operation.

“They also stole a shipment of meat which turned out to be unfit for human consumption, and, in one mind-boggling feat of crass stupidity, Frank found himself kidnapped and left in France.

“Frankly, you could not make some of this stuff up.

“Frank will face compulsory treatment for his alcohol addiction, before being required to work in Poundland.

“Steps will also be taken to ensure he gets a more age-appropriate haircut.”

A Whitehall source said: “Frank is the most convincing stereotype of a feckless dole scrounger since Wife Swap was cancelled.

“But there’s going to be hell to pay when they find out Frank isn’t real. It’ll be the Vicky Pollard debacle all over again.”

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I wasn't stuck in anything, says Cameron sheep

A SHEEP has claimed that David Cameron was doing something other than rescuing it.

The prime minister has been hailed as a hero for allegedly saving the animal after it became stuck in boggy ground.

However ewe Emma Bradford has questioned the official version of events.

She said: “The ground was moderately damp at best. As a sure-footed ruminant I was in no peril.

“It was a perfectly normal afternoon, I was grazing with occasional breaks to stare into the middle distance looking for predators.

“Suddenly I heard a cough and a pair of Cuprinol-coloured hands was yanking at my wool.

“I was aware of a figure behind me, and had the feeling of leisurewear pressed against my hind quarters. I couldn’t see the man but I recognised the voice, he was saying Samantha didn’t understand him any more.

“Those manicured hands were literally everywhere. I could feel his hot breath as he nibbled my ear tag and called me Angela.

“My first thought was to run for a gate or stile, but all exits to the field were blocked by armed police. I bleated furiously.

“My farmer arrived just as things were about to turn really ugly.

“The prime minister unhanded me, handed him a crisp £50 note and was on his way without a backwards glance.”