Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re sure this pain-relieving gel should have started working by now. Maybe try it on another slice of toast.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After reading an email asking whether you want to be on the new Nick Grimshaw show you decide that you’d rather be on a life-support machine.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Focus on your core objectives and break down the tasks into manageable pieces before going out and getting fucked on Stella.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Many people see Tom Jones as a ludicrous, elderly figure, but remember there was a time when he was a ludicrous, middle-aged figure.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re horrified to discover The Hobbit was totally ripped off from Willow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your insomnia is becoming so bad these days that you seldom manage to get your three hour afternoon kip on the sofa.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your joy at seeing your house on Google street view is short-lived when you realise that yours is not the hairy male arse visible in the bedroom window.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think carpal tunnel syndrome from 12-hour Fifa sessions on the Xbox does count as a ‘sports injury’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s probably a bad sign when your doctor asks how many units of alcohol you drink per week and you decline to answer without a lawyer.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your name will be trending on Twitter. The bad news is it will be part of the phrase ‘throwawaythekey’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your sign reeks of Libra this week, despite them saying they’ve been nowhere near it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
10011010 11100101 11111001? 10001010 01010111 10000111, 00110101 011110010 01011101 11010110!