Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Youre sure this pain-relieving gel should have started working by now. Maybe try it on another slice of toast.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
After reading an email asking whether you want to be on the new Nick Grimshaw show you decide that youd rather be on a life-support machine.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Focus on your core objectives and break down the tasks into manageable pieces before going out and getting fucked on Stella.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Many people see Tom Jones as a ludicrous, elderly figure, but remember there was a time when he was a ludicrous, middle-aged figure.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re horrified to discover The Hobbit was totally ripped off from Willow.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your insomnia is becoming so bad these days that you seldom manage to get your three hour afternoon kip on the sofa.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your joy at seeing your house on Google street view is short-lived when you realise that yours is not the hairy male arse visible in the bedroom window.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I dont think carpal tunnel syndrome from 12-hour Fifa sessions on the Xbox does count as a sports injury.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Its probably a bad sign when your doctor asks how many units of alcohol you drink per week and you decline to answer without a lawyer.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your name will be trending on Twitter. The bad news is it will be part of the phrase throwawaythekey.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your sign reeks of Libra this week, despite them saying theyve been nowhere near it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
10011010 11100101 11111001? 10001010 01010111 10000111, 00110101 011110010 01011101 11010110!