Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re sure this pain-relieving gel should have started working by now. Maybe try it on another slice of toast.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After reading an email asking whether you want to be on the new Nick Grimshaw show you decide that you’d rather be on a life-support machine.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Focus on your core objectives and break down the tasks into manageable pieces before going out and getting fucked on Stella.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Many people see Tom Jones as a ludicrous, elderly figure, but remember there was a time when he was a ludicrous, middle-aged figure.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re horrified to discover The Hobbit was totally ripped off from Willow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your insomnia is becoming so bad these days that you seldom manage to get your three hour afternoon kip on the sofa.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your joy at seeing your house on Google street view is short-lived when you realise that yours is not the hairy male arse visible in the bedroom window.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think carpal tunnel syndrome from 12-hour Fifa sessions on the Xbox does count as a ‘sports injury’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s probably a bad sign when your doctor asks how many units of alcohol you drink per week and you decline to answer without a lawyer.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your name will be trending on Twitter. The bad news is it will be part of the phrase ‘throwawaythekey’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your sign reeks of Libra this week, despite them saying they’ve been nowhere near it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
10011010 11100101 11111001? 10001010 01010111 10000111, 00110101 011110010 01011101 11010110!

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Holly Willoughby explains concept of death to ITV viewers

HOLLY Willoughby has told ITV viewers why the lady in the box is asleep forever.

The pretty, large-breasted presenter gave a basic description of what death is so that her audience wouldn’t be too confused by the morning’s events.

She said: “When a man or lady gets old, they start to feel very tired. They have to lie down in a hospital bed and can only eat grapes and Ribena.

“Then they close their eyes and some men come and put them in a box. Their spirit floats off but they live on in your heart like The Lion King’s dad in your favourite film, The Lion King.

“It’s ok to feel sad.”

An ITV spokesman said: “Death is a delicate subject for our audience, which has a median mental age of three.

“Our worry was that they would get so terribly bothered they’d run out into the streets clutching their heads, then get clobbered by riot police.”

36-year-old ITV fan Julian Cook said: “I think I understand. But how long does a person stay dead for?

“Also when they come back to life are they glowing and invincible for a bit, like in computer games?”