Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When sending back wine for being lacklustre or corked, ignore the waiter’s protests that he’s ‘actually a priest’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This weekend you will go on a stag night with a load of mathematicians. They will hire a Möbius stripper and every time she gets nude she will get dressed again.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I could tell you your horoscope but I’d have to kill you. Well, not ‘have’, more ‘want’. And I’ve actually nothing to tell you. So in summary, I want to kill you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you’ll be asked to name a dead rapper that weighed under 300 pounds. No Biggie.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your diet is based on whatever’s going out of date in the cupboard so breakfast this morning is Weetabix & cough syrup.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After being forced to listen to it all day in the office for the last three years, you decide that Capital FM should replace the ‘FM’ with ‘punishment’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your mate’s flat is like the Tardis. Not bigger on the inside than outside, but he’s a weird eccentric bloke who somehow coaxes a series of attractive young women into his living quarters.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s a difficult job telling people on the internet that they’re wrong to be concerned about (situation x) because (situation y) is more serious but somebody has to do it. Oh no, that’s right, they don’t.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Money money money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world. Especially when they set light to a £50 note in front of a tramp’s face.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mars enters your astrological house this week and asks if you’ve got the last episode of ‘Broadchurch’ on Sky+.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The weather is becoming warm enough to spend pleasant afternoons in the beer garden, as you call the mountain of discarded Skol Super tins at the back of your bedsit.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Choose your favourite novel. Go to page 67. The third sentence along is what will happen to you this week.

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Workers to be tested for traces of a soul

NEW technology will allow companies to check whether workers have traces of humanity in their system.

Industry leaders say it is vital for performance that workers are automata concerned only with money and the occasional charity fun run.

The Hu-Meter analyses employees’ sweat for traces of hope, empathy and imagination – attributes commonly associated with having a soul.

The presence of any of these attributes associated with being a human will trigger a single ominous bleep that means they should start putting their stuff in a box.

Inventor Tom Booker said: “Some employees cling to the archaic idea that they get paid to do a job for a certain number of hours per week, and that the time outside of that is somehow ‘theirs’. How quaint.

“All corporate employers agree that the only acceptable leisure activities are going to the gym and assembling flat pack furniture.”

Employees testing positive for traces of a soul may be permitted to watch ITV2 for protracted periods until they are no longer capable of joy.