Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
When sending back wine for being lacklustre or corked, ignore the waiter’s protests that he’s ‘actually a priest’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This weekend you will go on a stag night with a load of mathematicians. They will hire a Möbius stripper and every time she gets nude she will get dressed again.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I could tell you your horoscope but Id have to kill you. Well, not have, more want. And Ive actually nothing to tell you. So in summary, I want to kill you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week youll be asked to name a dead rapper that weighed under 300 pounds. No Biggie.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your diet is based on whatever’s going out of date in the cupboard so breakfast this morning is Weetabix & cough syrup.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After being forced to listen to it all day in the office for the last three years, you decide that Capital FM should replace the ‘FM’ with ‘punishment’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your mates flat is like the Tardis. Not bigger on the inside than outside, but he’s a weird eccentric bloke who somehow coaxes a series of attractive young women into his living quarters.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Its a difficult job telling people on the internet that theyre wrong to be concerned about (situation x) because (situation y) is more serious but somebody has to do it. Oh no, thats right, they dont.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Money money money, must be funny, in a rich mans world. Especially when they set light to a £50 note in front of a tramps face.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mars enters your astrological house this week and asks if youve got the last episode of Broadchurch on Sky+.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The weather is becoming warm enough to spend pleasant afternoons in the beer garden, as you call the mountain of discarded Skol Super tins at the back of your bedsit.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Choose your favourite novel. Go to page 67. The third sentence along is what will happen to you this week.