Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
If you dont have anything nice to say about anybody, you probably know the same people I do.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After catching yourself remarking on this summers terrible weather, you plead temporary inanity.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A survey in your office found that 90% of staff thought Michael Gove was eight stone of fetus-faced piss. You have forwarded your findings to his department.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Still no news from your local MP on bringing back the death penalty for couples that take up large tables to themselves in crowded pubs.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Won’t you take me to, a funky town? Won’t you take me to, a funky town? Watch out for the one-way system, though.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you emulate taking a baby to a café by setting off a rape alarm every ten seconds before opening a Tupperware tub full of dung.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On long, dull motorway journeys why not relieve the monotony by imagining the brief rush of adrenaline youd experience by swinging your car across three lanes into the central reservation.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Its the Eurovision Song Contest this weekend. Tedious use of irony, sneering at foreigners and excessive drinking? Its like your Christmas.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Since buying your house youve learned new DIY skills like carpentry, plumbing and frantically trying to stop a fountain of water flooding your kitchen whilst shouting shitShitSHIT!
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you cant afford tickets for the latest Lee Evans tour, just give your toddler a litre of Sunny Delight and watch him from the end of your garden.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you have to tell me how much weight youve lost this week then Im going to assume the amount is still still not enough yet.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Out of memory. Please delete another astrologer to see the rest of this horoscope.