Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, you probably know the same people I do.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After catching yourself remarking on this summer’s terrible weather, you plead temporary inanity.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A survey in your office found that 90% of staff thought Michael Gove was eight stone of fetus-faced piss. You have forwarded your findings to his department.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Still no news from your local MP on bringing back the death penalty for couples that take up large tables to themselves in crowded pubs.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Won’t you take me to, a funky town? Won’t you take me to, a funky town? Watch out for the one-way system, though.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you emulate taking a baby to a café by setting off a rape alarm every ten seconds before opening a Tupperware tub full of dung.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On long, dull motorway journeys why not relieve the monotony by imagining the brief rush of adrenaline you’d experience by swinging your car across three lanes into the central reservation.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s the Eurovision Song Contest this weekend. Tedious use of irony, sneering at foreigners and excessive drinking? It’s like your Christmas.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Since buying your house you’ve learned new DIY skills like carpentry, plumbing and frantically trying to stop a fountain of water flooding your kitchen whilst shouting “shitShitSHIT!”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you can’t afford tickets for the latest Lee Evans tour, just give your toddler a litre of Sunny Delight and watch him from the end of your garden.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you have to tell me how much weight you’ve lost this week then I’m going to assume the amount is still ‘still not enough yet’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Out of memory. Please delete another astrologer to see the rest of this horoscope.

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Oh good, feminism's back, say men

MEN were last night delighted to discover that feminism is making a comeback.

As the relaunch of Spare Rib magazine follows the Femen topless protests and the campaign to ban Page 3, reasonable men looked forward to immensely enjoyable discussions with newly empowered partners, friends and relatives

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Well, that’s just excellent.

“I should probably start making a list of new and interesting ways in which I can say ‘please stop this, I’m agreeing with you’.

“Also, I am going to have to give up golf. It’s simply not worth it.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’m a fair-minded, live-and-let-live kind of chap who has never so much as glanced at a copy of FHM and strongly believes that Top Gear is for brain-damaged gibbons.

“I fear, however, that this will be wholly inadequate.”

Roy Hobbs, a house husband from Finsbury Park, said: “I’ll probably be okay, won’t I? Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine…”

And Nathan Muir, from Peterborough, added: “I no longer have the faintest idea what I am supposed to say or do.

“It is time for me to go and live in the woods.”