Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The only thing stopping you from going to see The Great Gatsby is the fact that you find Baz Luhrmann films slightly less pleasurable than having your hips nailed to a wolf.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That Cash Converters advert, where he pays his phone bill by pawning his Macbook, is so realistic. Just like the time you put £20 in the gas meter by pawning your Rolex.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After enjoying Norman Tebbits views on sexuality this week, you cant wait to read Eric Pickless thoughts on jogging.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Inspired by the feminist magazine Vagenda, you start your own called Clitinerary.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Save money on buying the new Daft Punk album by not bothering because its rotten.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new beat? Summers here so the time is right, for sticking on the heating and wearing a cardie, apparently. Fucksake.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You watched the Xbox 720 launch with interest but be honest, youre going to sit in front of it like a lab rat for the next six years regardless of what features it has anyway.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your drinking has reached such levels that your hip flask is now a full-length-leg flask.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You may not think youre that promiscuous, but compared to the average number of sexual part look, could you just put that man’s penis down for a second while I explain this to you?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not shake up your usual routine? Maybe walk a different route to work, try a new place for lunch or brush your sodding teeth?
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
This horoscope is sponsored by the letter p, the letter i, the letter s, the le look, just piss off, okay?