Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The only thing stopping you from going to see The Great Gatsby is the fact that you find Baz Luhrmann films slightly less pleasurable than having your hips nailed to a wolf.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That Cash Converters advert, where he pays his phone bill by pawning his Macbook, is so realistic. Just like the time you put £20 in the gas meter by pawning your Rolex.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After enjoying Norman Tebbit’s views on sexuality this week, you can’t wait to read Eric Pickles’s thoughts on jogging.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your website, where you debunk the work of people who champion conservationists is online at www.wwfftwwtf.com.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Inspired by the feminist magazine Vagenda, you start your own called Clitinerary.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Save money on buying the new Daft Punk album by not bothering because it’s rotten.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer’s here so the time is right, for sticking on the heating and wearing a cardie, apparently. Fucksake.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You watched the Xbox 720 launch with interest but be honest, you’re going to sit in front of it like a lab rat for the next six years regardless of what features it has anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your drinking has reached such levels that your hip flask is now a full-length-leg flask.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You may not think you’re that promiscuous, but compared to the average number of sexual part…look, could you just put that man’s penis down for a second while I explain this to you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not shake up your usual routine? Maybe walk a different route to work, try a new place for lunch or brush your sodding teeth?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This horoscope is sponsored by the letter ‘p’, the letter ‘i’, the letter ‘s’, the le…look, just piss off, okay?

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Motorists and cyclists unite against pedestrians

CAR and bike owners have agreed that they hate pedestrians.

Representatives from the warring factions of two-wheeled and four-wheeled travellers met last night in an attempt to forge a truce.

They found common ground in a shared loathing of people who walk around.

Motorist Tom Logan said: “I hated cyclists because they don’t pay road tax, are easy to run over because they’re too busy thinking about Joanna Newsome, allotments and ballet to watch where they’re fucking going.

“But when you think about it, all those things apply to pedestrians plus they don’t even contribute to the economy by buying a machine.”

Cyclist Emma Bradford said: “When things are getting sticky on the road I like to ride along the pavement. But it’s literally full of pedestrians, you have to pedal really fast to cut a swathe through them.

“Also what’s the deal with pedestrian crossings? I never stop at them because they’re stupidly at a right angle to the traffic flow, it’s so illogical.”

Lorry driver Stephen Malley said: “These cyclists are ok, a few of them are even heterosexual, or at least bi.

“It’s the ‘foot people’ that are the real enemies of transport and we’ve agreed to work together on their destruction.”