Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The only thing stopping you from going to see The Great Gatsby is the fact that you find Baz Luhrmann films slightly less pleasurable than having your hips nailed to a wolf.

bobinsideCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That Cash Converters advert, where he pays his phone bill by pawning his Macbook, is so realistic. Just like the time you put £20 in the gas meter by pawning your Rolex.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After enjoying Norman Tebbit’s views on sexuality this week, you can’t wait to read Eric Pickles’s thoughts on jogging.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your website, where you debunk the work of people who champion conservationists is online at

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Inspired by the feminist magazine Vagenda, you start your own called Clitinerary.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Save money on buying the new Daft Punk album by not bothering because it’s rotten.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer’s here so the time is right, for sticking on the heating and wearing a cardie, apparently. Fucksake.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You watched the Xbox 720 launch with interest but be honest, you’re going to sit in front of it like a lab rat for the next six years regardless of what features it has anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your drinking has reached such levels that your hip flask is now a full-length-leg flask.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You may not think you’re that promiscuous, but compared to the average number of sexual part…look, could you just put that man’s penis down for a second while I explain this to you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not shake up your usual routine? Maybe walk a different route to work, try a new place for lunch or brush your sodding teeth?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This horoscope is sponsored by the letter ‘p’, the letter ‘i’, the letter ‘s’, the le…look, just piss off, okay?