Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There’s nothing nicer than a little nap after dinner so why not lock the flight cabin door and ignore the shouts of your passengers?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Remind your colleagues that if they jokingly use the phrase ‘If I tell you that I’ll have to kill you’ then you’ll probably wish you were dead anyway.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Findus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called ‘HULK SMASH’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Work brings in a motivational speaker. They tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to. You invade the stage and state the existential concept of facticity suggest otherwise. A disciplinary hearing ensues.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A generally-decent Friday is ruined by the memory of Jennifer Jason Leigh’s accent in The Hudsucker Proxy. It takes several views of The Big Lebowski and Fargo to feel better until you remember The Ladykillers and everything’s ruined again.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your latest boyfriend is like a movie idol from the golden age of Hollywood. Alcoholic, racist, bisexual.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I don’t think nutritionists have done a ‘recommended daily allowance’ of honey-coated fudge pieces but I’d guess under it’d be under 150.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You test the boundaries of the word ‘winning’ this week after ‘winning’ an eBay auction for a Paddy McGuinness DVD.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from ITV about your idea for a logical follow-up to Britain’s Got Talent called Mexico’s Got Glaciers.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After committing a terrible crime this week you now have the agonizing 50-year wait for the judicial system to punish you in a totally half-arsed manner.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A two-letter word repeated to indicate a string-suspended torus that can be oscillated up and down for entertainment. It’s all in the game, yo.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Please do not make any important life decisions if reading on Psychic Bob’s Horoscopes +1.

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Flash Gordon to investigate unusual weather

AMERICAN football player Flash Gordon is to investigate the UK’s recent unusual weather.

The Met Office hopes to discover the cause of the unpredictable weather by sending Gordon into space with an attractive journalist and a scientist of questionable sanity.

A Met Office spokesman said: “Some would argue that a professional sportsman is not the obvious choice for a meteorological research project, but Michael Fish was busy doing a series for BBC2.

“However we don’t feel this will be a problem, as Flash will be accompanied by the brilliant scientist Dr Hans Zarkov and journalist Dale Arden, who is extremely feisty.

“Our plan is to send Flash and his companions to a new planet that has just entered the solar system, Mongo, which we think may have some connection to our lousy summer weather.

“Once they get there, they will just need to conduct some simple meteorological tests then come back. It should all be pretty straightforward.”

Gordon said: “I’m just glad to help. There’s nothing worse than it raining during a barbeque and having to finish your sausages off under the grill.

“Dr Zarkov says he’s been picking up some strange radio transmissions, including the words ‘dispatch war rocket Ajax’ and the sound of booming laughter, but it’s probably nothing.

“It’s not as though we’re going to encounter some threatening but weirdly camp extraterrestrial civilization.”

The Met Office has predicted scattered meteorite showers at the weekend.