Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Theres nothing nicer than a little nap after dinner so why not lock the flight cabin door and ignore the shouts of your passengers?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Remind your colleagues that if they jokingly use the phrase If I tell you that Ill have to kill you then youll probably wish you were dead anyway.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Findus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called HULK SMASH.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Work brings in a motivational speaker. They tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to. You invade the stage and state the existential concept of facticity suggest otherwise. A disciplinary hearing ensues.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A generally-decent Friday is ruined by the memory of Jennifer Jason Leighs accent in The Hudsucker Proxy. It takes several views of The Big Lebowski and Fargo to feel better until you remember The Ladykillers and everythings ruined again.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your latest boyfriend is like a movie idol from the golden age of Hollywood. Alcoholic, racist, bisexual.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I dont think nutritionists have done a recommended daily allowance of honey-coated fudge pieces but Id guess under itd be under 150.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You test the boundaries of the word winning this week after winning an eBay auction for a Paddy McGuinness DVD.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from ITV about your idea for a logical follow-up to Britains Got Talent called Mexicos Got Glaciers.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After committing a terrible crime this week you now have the agonizing 50-year wait for the judicial system to punish you in a totally half-arsed manner.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A two-letter word repeated to indicate a string-suspended torus that can be oscillated up and down for entertainment. Its all in the game, yo.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Please do not make any important life decisions if reading on Psychic Bobs Horoscopes +1.