Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
George Bush? George IDIOT, more like. Am I right? Sorry, I don’t really follow the news.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s a constant source of disappointment to you that Cape Town isn’t full of superheroes.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your Twitter profile says you’re ‘An expert in social media and communications’ yet you have under 100 followers, so forgive everyone for reckoning their chinny, won’t you?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you’re given your own personal Jesus, like in the song, and he spends all day making whiny, passive-aggressive comments.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you have ever wondered if you’d be able to steer a car after a tyre blows, why not try sneezing while having a piss?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching Mad Max this week, you notice they have weapons and armour welded to their cars. So in post apocalyptic society they still have metalwork apprenticeships?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Oh right, everybody loves Man vs Food but when you turn up at the TV exec’s house at 3am to pitch ‘Man vs Supermarket Gin’ you get arrested.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will be all like, “Jesus, can everybody please put some pants on?”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hours of grooming and styling, you leave the house confident that your nasal hair is looking great today.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say you should never meet your heroes but since the Nuremberg trials it’s not really been an option anyway.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you had to describe yourself you would say you were a valued friend, a sensuous lover, a trusted colleague and a consummate liar.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Do not tumble dry. EVER, do you hear me?

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Everyone to live at work by 2028

THE government has revealed new measures to help you spend all your time doing work.

As well as radically extending school hours, the coalition will demolish your house as part of plans to ensure everyone lives at work by 2028.

David Cameron said: “As we all know, the purpose of life is to do as much work as humanly possible before you die.

“The school day will now start at 5am and finish at 4.59am so that parents can work without the hassle of arranging childcare or seeing their children.

“Workers with kids will receive a monthly postcard with a picture of the child and some generic text about how much fun they’re having, like you get if you adopt an otter at the zoo.

“Another area of concern is public holidays. Christmas is a particular waste of valuable working time, so we’re replacing Christmas Day with Christmas Hour. Similarly, New Year’s Eve will become Two Quick Drinks Then An Early Night Eve.

“Everyone hates commuting and office chairs will be replaced with executive-class aeroplane seats that become comfy beds. You need never leave work – just get iPlayer up on your work computer, plug in your feeding tube and relax for three hours until your next shift.

“We’re abolishing the retirement age, so when you die a panel opens in the floor and the chair tips your corpse into it, like in a James Bond film.

“It’s all about work life balance. Your life is a ‘work life’ –  how do you balance all the work?”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Work is great but we mustn’t lose sight of the really important things, like having more expensive things than others in your social group.”