Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
George Bush? George IDIOT, more like. Am I right? Sorry, I don’t really follow the news.

bobinsideLeo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s a constant source of disappointment to you that Cape Town isn’t full of superheroes.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your Twitter profile says you’re ‘An expert in social media and communications’ yet you have under 100 followers, so forgive everyone for reckoning their chinny, won’t you?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you’re given your own personal Jesus, like in the song, and he spends all day making whiny, passive-aggressive comments.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you have ever wondered if you’d be able to steer a car after a tyre blows, why not try sneezing while having a piss?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching Mad Max this week, you notice they have weapons and armour welded to their cars. So in post apocalyptic society they still have metalwork apprenticeships?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Oh right, everybody loves Man vs Food but when you turn up at the TV exec’s house at 3am to pitch ‘Man vs Supermarket Gin’ you get arrested.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will be all like, “Jesus, can everybody please put some pants on?”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hours of grooming and styling, you leave the house confident that your nasal hair is looking great today.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say you should never meet your heroes but since the Nuremberg trials it’s not really been an option anyway.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you had to describe yourself you would say you were a valued friend, a sensuous lover, a trusted colleague and a consummate liar.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Do not tumble dry. EVER, do you hear me?