Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Going back to your home town, everything seems so much smaller than you remember. This is mainly due to your catastrophic weight gain.

bobinsideVirgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. The quantity of cock is pretty delightful thought.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week, you have been stealing American cars from actresses. Freida Pinto.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you think using spoonerisms is beneath you, then you must be a shining wit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you learn that Benedict Cumberbatch’s middle name is ‘Cu’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If your blood is capable of curdling, you may want to cut back on dairy products.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The hot weather combined with your functional alcoholism mean your work shirts are now much sought after as a botanical for the production of gin.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not give Facebook a Quantum Leap, oh-boy-when-is-this? feel by using the iPhone app and being dumped at a random point on your timeline.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Unless it’s golf, in which case hate both.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The publishers don’t believe that you’re JK Rowling submitting an anonymous novel, mainly because it was handwritten in green felt tip and was only thirty-five pages long.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re disappointed that they don’t call the new royal baby Keeboots. Okay, it won’t mean much when he’s a prince but when he’s king…

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Some contents of this horoscope may settle in transit. Depressiondebtalcoholismdivorceloneliness.