Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Going back to your home town, everything seems so much smaller than you remember. This is mainly due to your catastrophic weight gain.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. The quantity of cock is pretty delightful thought.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week, you have been stealing American cars from actresses. Freida Pinto.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you think using spoonerisms is beneath you, then you must be a shining wit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you learn that Benedict Cumberbatch’s middle name is ‘Cu’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If your blood is capable of curdling, you may want to cut back on dairy products.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The hot weather combined with your functional alcoholism mean your work shirts are now much sought after as a botanical for the production of gin.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not give Facebook a Quantum Leap, oh-boy-when-is-this? feel by using the iPhone app and being dumped at a random point on your timeline.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Unless it’s golf, in which case hate both.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The publishers don’t believe that you’re JK Rowling submitting an anonymous novel, mainly because it was handwritten in green felt tip and was only thirty-five pages long.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re disappointed that they don’t call the new royal baby Keeboots. Okay, it won’t mean much when he’s a prince but when he’s king…

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Some contents of this horoscope may settle in transit. Depressiondebtalcoholismdivorceloneliness.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Now give us the baby, say Welsh

THE Welsh have demanded the royal baby be given to them so the initiation can begin.

The dark and mountainous principality, which believes it is ruled by the baby’s grandfather, has dispatched a team of tiny warrior monks to collect the child.

The monks will take the child to the Hall of Dragons on the tip of the Gower Peninsula. There he will be placed in the arms The Great Gryffd, who will school him in the mystic ways.

The process, known as ‘The Rite of Caradog’, will take seven years after which the child will be returned to her parents, filled with ancient wisdom and resentment.

Owain Glynwyryn, of the Council of Elders, said: “We will teach her how to fight, not with her fists but with her mind. And also with a bottle.

“We will tell her tales of heroes and victories until we have washed every drop of Englishness from his true Welsh heart.

“And if that doesn’t work we’ll just hold her upside down.”

After the monks collect the baby they will ride at full gallop for the Welsh border where the infant’s loyal subjects will line the road, holding burning torches to light the way to the Hall of Dragons.

Glynwyryn added: “Release her unto us, for it is her destiny.”

A Royal spokesman said: “Absolutely not.”