Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Going back to your home town, everything seems so much smaller than you remember. This is mainly due to your catastrophic weight gain.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. The quantity of cock is pretty delightful thought.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week, you have been stealing American cars from actresses. Freida Pinto.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you think using spoonerisms is beneath you, then you must be a shining wit.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you learn that Benedict Cumberbatch’s middle name is ‘Cu’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If your blood is capable of curdling, you may want to cut back on dairy products.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The hot weather combined with your functional alcoholism mean your work shirts are now much sought after as a botanical for the production of gin.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not give Facebook a Quantum Leap, oh-boy-when-is-this? feel by using the iPhone app and being dumped at a random point on your timeline.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Dont hate the player, hate the game. Unless its golf, in which case hate both.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
The publishers dont believe that youre JK Rowling submitting an anonymous novel, mainly because it was handwritten in green felt tip and was only thirty-five pages long.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Youre disappointed that they dont call the new royal baby Keeboots. Okay, it wont mean much when hes a prince but when hes king
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Some contents of this horoscope may settle in transit. Depressiondebtalcoholismdivorceloneliness.