Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sitting in a beer garden with a pint of lager and a fag – is there any better way to watch the sun come up?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Thursday your quiz team-mates beat you up for suggesting that Francis Drake’s nickname was Sir Cumnavigatetheglobe.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, Netflix isn’t the same as Neighbourhood Watch.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve never liked the song Teenage Kicks Immigrants Out Of The Country. It has racist Undertones.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
They do a thin crust pizza? You do a thick crust. They use just a few toppings? You use a variety. That’s the Chicago way.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve been writing a novel and have got as far as the title Uptight White Person In Exotic Location Learns About Life. The rest will pretty much write itself.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Raise a glass of champagne for a very special occasion this week – it’s been five years since you overcame alcoholism.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve cunningly managed to avoid any abusive trolling on Twitter by only having eight followers, six of whom are spambots called things like *^*missy92*^*

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Yeeeahhhhhh booyyyyeeeeeoh, sorry madam, I thought you were somebody else.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your disgust at somebody calling the North East of England ‘desolate’ is short-lived after you remember that time you went to Middlesbrough.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
By the dark words of Lord Kaltos, as foretold in the Prophecies Of Il-Zahr-Keyruul, the seven stones of Xrilz will align and you shall get that work promotion.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
© 2013 Do not reprint without permission and £500 in a brown paper envelope.

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Pretentious cafés won't do full English despite having all the ingredients

ABOVE-THEMSELVES cafés are refusing to offer a fry up, even though they have all the ingredients on their pretentious menu.

Researchers found that overly self-conscious café owners are offering artisan sausage baps, locally-sourced bacon baguettes or free range scrambled egg.

However they will not put these ingredients together on the same plate, because they think this would be somehow demeaning.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Increasingly, cafe owners are choosing to separate traditional breakfast ingredients because they want to distance themselves from ‘the masses’ and maybe get used as a location for a Culture Show interview.

“For Christ’s sake, get over yourselves. Put it all on a plate you absolute idiots.”

Tom Booker, manager of Mode 19 Café, said: “You can have sausages in hand-cut local bread, some eggs done ‘your way’ or a salad thing with bits of bacon crumbled into it.

“I suppose you could buy them all, then pick out the worthwhile bits and put them on a plate. But don’t ask us to do that ourselves – it’s not about you the customer, it’s about us and our vision of being cool.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Also, when places stop serving breakfast at a fixed time, why do they do that? Surely they have facilities to make meat and eggs hot at any hour.”