Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sitting in a beer garden with a pint of lager and a fag is there any better way to watch the sun come up?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Thursday your quiz team-mates beat you up for suggesting that Francis Drakes nickname was Sir Cumnavigatetheglobe.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, Netflix isn’t the same as Neighbourhood Watch.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Youve never liked the song Teenage Kicks Immigrants Out Of The Country. It has racist Undertones.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
They do a thin crust pizza? You do a thick crust. They use just a few toppings? You use a variety. That’s the Chicago way.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Youve been writing a novel and have got as far as the title Uptight White Person In Exotic Location Learns About Life. The rest will pretty much write itself.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Raise a glass of champagne for a very special occasion this week – it’s been five years since you overcame alcoholism.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Youve cunningly managed to avoid any abusive trolling on Twitter by only having eight followers, six of whom are spambots called things like *^*missy92*^*
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Yeeeahhhhhh booyyyyeeeeeoh, sorry madam, I thought you were somebody else.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Your disgust at somebody calling the North East of England desolate is short-lived after you remember that time you went to Middlesbrough.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
By the dark words of Lord Kaltos, as foretold in the Prophecies Of Il-Zahr-Keyruul, the seven stones of Xrilz will align and you shall get that work promotion.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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