Peter Jackson to turn Bale transfer into trilogy

THE long-running saga of Gareth Bale’s journey from Spurs to Real Madrid is to be made into a film saga by Peter Jackson.

The director who turned short farmers on a walk into a box office hit has already begun pre-production on the first film, detailing Bale’s plucky battle against the tyrannical club that pays him £110,000 a week.

Jackson said: “The trilogy is essentially a race between simple, good-hearted Welshman Bale and feral, once-human Luis Suarez for a massive contract with Real Madrid.

“The opening shot pans across the verdant, unspoilt greenery of heavy-manufacturing heartland Cardiff where a poor-but-happy Bale lives in his burrow on a high-rise housing estate.

“Flaxen-haired Savage the elf and wise old wizard Giggs the Grey launch our hero on his quest for a mountain of gold. He escapes the bitebeast Suarez by tricking him into thinking he has his heart in his hands by doing his trademark goal celebration.

“There was some worry with the finance people because, like with Harry Potter, we’re filming a story before it’s actually reached its conclusion. But Gareth has assured me the transfer will be completed by July 2015 at the very latest.”

Real Madrid, to be depicted as a giant glowing red eye in the heavens, said: “Can I just say that there’s no need for players to issue come-and-get-me statements through the media.

“We’re Real fucking Madrid. It doesn’t matter what you or your agent or your club or your wife says, if we want you we’ll get you.

The film A Universally Expected Journey, will be released at Christmas, going up against comedy Wenger’s Millions about a football manager trying to spend a fortune by August 31st.

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UK running out of people to look down on

EVERYONE will be a ‘manager’ by 2022, leaving Britons with nobody to look down on. 

According to new data, there are currently 5m people with a ‘manager’ job title in the UK. By 2022 everyone will be a manager, including unemployed people who will be called ‘job search managers’.

18-year-old Julian Cook, who is a ‘ghost train turnstile manager’ at a travelling fair, said: “If I can’t look down on people who aren’t managers, my job title will be worthless.

“Can I be a ‘creative director’ instead?”