111 rescued by nosy interfering old women

THE NHS’s non-emergency helpline is to be staffed by overly-inquistive old women.

Following the withdrawal of the main contractor, NHS managers turned to the only people who are actually interested in your minor ailments.

88-year-old 111 operator Mary Fisher said: “We get all sorts of people ringing in. Men, women, homosexuals, coloureds.

“You wouldn’t believe what they get up to. One gentleman had all these warts on his whatnot because of going with prostitutes. Disgusting.

“I’m not allowed to tell you his name but he’s a hairdresser from Basildon and his wife is called Sharon.

“I said to put some vinegar on it. There’s nothing you can’t cure with vinegar, bicarb or the steam from a bowl of hot water.”

The geriatric female staff have already been cautioned for all gathering around the receiver when someone’s got an especially interesting ailment involving their ‘waterworks’.

Major call centres have now opened in Bristol, Birmingham and Newcastle equipped with state of the art telephony, comfy chairs and colossal urns of tea.

111 user Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been short of breath for a few weeks and apparently the cure is to have a glass of squash.

“Weirdly the operator asked me to describe the decorative aspects of my house, seemingly just so she could form a mental image.”

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Mysterious humming noise 'made by dads'

THE mysterious humming noise heard around the world is dads attempting to replicate popular music.

Prolonged exposure to ‘the hum’ can cause dizziness and nausea, which researchers believe is caused by dads’ inability to hold a tune.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Initially we thought the humming could be high-voltage cables or atmospheric conditions. Actually it’s middle-aged men trying to remember how Sultans of Swing goes.

“The hum cannot be heard in dad-free areas, such as underground techno clubs, but was present near sheds, garages and garden centres.

“Even if a dad is not immediately visible, he may be behind a hedge tinkering with a mower while humming Summer of ‘69 which will then morph into an equally horrible version of Lady in Red.

“He may not even be aware he is doing it, or to him the atonal drone may sound exactly like the original record.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “The humming used to drive me mad, but one day I noticed it sounded like a barely recognisable version of Blondie’s Heart of Glass.

“I immediately put two and two together, because dad always used to watch Top of the Pops when Debbie Harry was on. Now if he starts humming we make him sit in the car with the windows up.”

Father-of-three Roy Hobbs said: “I think humming is a very underrated art form.”