Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Youre not lactose intolerant as such but you wouldnt want your daughter marrying one.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You discover a new type of daisy this week and fail to name it Upsa. Whats wrong with you?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You discover it’s ok to ask a fellow commuter to turn down his headphones, but not to go home and brush his teeth.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your story has been one of personal ambition versus seven generations of family tradition. But they have to accept not everyone’s cut out to be a pimp.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your love of thin, crispy bacon, your proximity to the office laminator and your boredom results in a chat with HR this Friday.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news – the laser eye clinic won’t let you borrow the equipment to make your friend go cross-eyed on his stag night.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you realise your back hair is out of control when you lean against some flock wallpaper and have to be cut free.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Toga! Toga! Toga! Oh, sorry, Togo? Erm, West Africa, I think.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
With high levels of homelessness amongst ex-servicemen, youre relieved that Prince William has managed to find some digs.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A bloke walks into a pub. The barman asks him what hes drinking. He spends the next four hours joylessly consuming the cheapest beer on tap and reflecting on how his life ended up this way.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is never going to like you but, thanks to his faulty immune system, by rubbing yourself all over in peanut oil he can become fatally allergic to you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Youre never fully dressed without a smile. Or whenever youre anywhere near a rugby team.