Your astrological week ahead with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not lactose intolerant as such but you wouldn’t want your daughter marrying one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You discover a new type of daisy this week and fail to name it ‘Upsa’. What’s wrong with you?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You discover it’s ok to ask a fellow commuter to turn down his headphones, but not to go home and brush his teeth.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your story has been one of personal ambition versus seven generations of family tradition. But they have to accept not everyone’s cut out to be a pimp.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your love of thin, crispy bacon, your proximity to the office laminator and your boredom results in a chat with HR this Friday.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news – the laser eye clinic won’t let you borrow the equipment to make your friend go cross-eyed on his stag night.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you realise your back hair is out of control when you lean against some flock wallpaper and have to be cut free.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Toga! Toga! Toga! Oh, sorry, Togo? Erm, West Africa, I think.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
With high levels of homelessness amongst ex-servicemen, you’re relieved that Prince William has managed to find some digs.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A bloke walks into a pub. The barman asks him what he’s drinking. He spends the next four hours joylessly consuming the cheapest beer on tap and reflecting on how his life ended up this way.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is never going to like you but, thanks to his faulty immune system, by rubbing yourself all over in peanut oil he can become fatally allergic to you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re never fully dressed without a smile. Or whenever you’re anywhere near a rugby team.

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Clinging to youth does not slow ageing process

DESPERATELY clinging to your lost youth does not slow the ageing process, according to scientists.

Researchers found that the natural deterioration of the human body cannot be halted by wearing cool glasses or pretending to understand new music.

Professor Eleanor Shaw said: “Our research involved two groups of middle-aged men and women. One group was instructed to cling to their youth, while the others were allowed to behave with a shred of dignity.

“All the subjects suffered age-related problems, such as wrinkles, hair loss, fat arms, impotence and weird skin blotches, no matter how much they liked ‘the Arctic Monkeys’.

“Whatever youthful items the first group was given – cargo shorts, jazzy trainers, beeping things made by Apple – they just kept getting more wizened.

“One male subject even reported feeling older than he actually was, after attending a rave club where an attractive 20-year-old kept saying how much cooler he was than her dad.”

Professor Shaw said the non-youthful subjects were more content, having resigned themselves to endless evenings of sipping red wine and either an early night or hoping Stephanie Flanders would be wearing a tight jumper on Newsnight.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “For years I’ve been trying to hang on to my youth by wearing a t-shirt that says Superdry on it and pretending Dizzee Rascal has got something important to say.

“But tonight I’m going to put on some comfortable cords, crack open a four-pack of Ruddles County, listen to my Sting albums and face death with dignity.”