Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Scooby Doo or Scooby Doo Not. There is no Scooby Try.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Pffft. You hated the Daily Mail way before it was fashionable. You’re more into hating The Telegraph these days.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you learn that ‘Farage’ is pronounced like ‘garage’ because they’re both something you’d like to drive your car into.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Walking to work, dousing your fag end in the dregs of your can of Kestrel Black, you ponder that your Stoptober has not started well.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word yet from Random House about your dystopian sci-fi about a man who cannot get the tabs on his task bar in his preferred order.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If anyone deliberately spoils the end of a film or show for you, tell them they’re going to die alone and unmourned as a spoiler for how their life ends.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your trousers are made of Tommy Lee & your shirt is made of Nikki Sixx, meaning you’re wearing a hair band.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The project you’re heading has gone down in flames, is way over budget and is failing to meet any of its targets. Time to do the responsible thing as leader and decide whose fault it is.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your wife says you’re obsessed with German football, accusing you of having an Eintracht mind.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To avert a shark attack punch it and shout “Stop sleeping with my sister!”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your family are growing increasingly concerned about your alcohol intake, having hoped you’d drink yourself to death years ago.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Profits, tax cuts and enterprise are not dirty words. But pretty much every word to describe you is.

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78% of human population actually yetis

THE majority of so-called people are in fact sasquatches.

Researchers compared DNA taken from yeti hair to a cross-section of workers, and found humans to be in the minority.

Cryptozoologist Julian Cook said: “We spent decades searching the wilderness for hairy, shambling bipeds with a small vocabulary of grunts and growls.

“We could have just gone into any town centre.”

43-year-old retail manager Stephen Malley said: “Man wrong. Me not ape. Me disgusted by suggestion.

“You – have berries? You give berries. Like berries. Good taste.”