Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After the ‘racist vans’ are withdrawn from circulation by the government, you end up buying a lorry with some pretty trenchant views on homosexuality.

bobinsideScorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you’re found not guilty after it emerges the victim spent fifteen seconds rustling around in a noisy plastic sweet bag.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lose an Ebay auction for the playing cards they used on Play Your Cards Right. No big deal.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make watching Grand Designs more interesting by guessing how soon after the revolution the owners would be lined up against their reclaimed-brick walls and shot.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Recreate the experience of football on BT Sport with Michael Owen’s commentary by watching the match in a hotel bar with a regional sales rep called Keith.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An uncomfortable evening tomorrow spent contemplating the unknowable, eternal void of the universe as you accidentally look into Britney Spears’ eyes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s a shame Ender’s Game wasn’t made ten years ago because the title role would have gone to Jamie Bell and the posters would have been far more entertaining.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Ancient Sumerian. There’s no need for that kind of language.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Another wasted week Prime Minister’s Question Time as nobody asked him “Do you want some, you glossy-faced twat?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After nodding patiently while your friend tells you her teetotalism has made her healthier, happier and richer, you ask when was the last time she sang Tom Waits songs at the top of her voice at three in the morning.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You explain away your massive stash of sweets by claiming you’re simply prepared for several decades’ worth of Halloweens.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your life is about to go into standby mode. Please do something vaguely interesting to continue.