Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After the ‘racist vans’ are withdrawn from circulation by the government, you end up buying a lorry with some pretty trenchant views on homosexuality.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you’re found not guilty after it emerges the victim spent fifteen seconds rustling around in a noisy plastic sweet bag.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lose an Ebay auction for the playing cards they used on Play Your Cards Right. No big deal.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make watching Grand Designs more interesting by guessing how soon after the revolution the owners would be lined up against their reclaimed-brick walls and shot.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Recreate the experience of football on BT Sport with Michael Owen’s commentary by watching the match in a hotel bar with a regional sales rep called Keith.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An uncomfortable evening tomorrow spent contemplating the unknowable, eternal void of the universe as you accidentally look into Britney Spears’ eyes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s a shame Ender’s Game wasn’t made ten years ago because the title role would have gone to Jamie Bell and the posters would have been far more entertaining.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Ancient Sumerian. There’s no need for that kind of language.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Another wasted week Prime Minister’s Question Time as nobody asked him “Do you want some, you glossy-faced twat?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After nodding patiently while your friend tells you her teetotalism has made her healthier, happier and richer, you ask when was the last time she sang Tom Waits songs at the top of her voice at three in the morning.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You explain away your massive stash of sweets by claiming you’re simply prepared for several decades’ worth of Halloweens.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your life is about to go into standby mode. Please do something vaguely interesting to continue.

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Facebook to allow beheading videos if accompanied by inspirational quote

FACEBOOK has cleared users to post videos of decapitations if captioned by witty or inspirational quotes.

The social media giant has approved videos of murder and fatal accidents if used to illustrate how much the person sharing them loves their kids, likes alcohol or doesn’t tolerate shit from the opposite sex.

Facebook user Joanna Kramer said: “I couldn’t find my eyeliner this morning, so legally I was perfectly within my rights to post a video of a motorway pile-up captioned THIS IS MY FACE!

“Because how else would people know?

“Then my boyfriend annoyed me so I posted a decapitation video with the message ‘If they don’t respect you..? CUT them out of your life!’

“And I’m sorry, but anyone who criticises me for posting a video of the Twin Towers collapsing captioned ‘Ellie Goulding on the X-Factor’ clearly didn’t see her performance.”

Sales administrator Stephen Malley said: “Beheading videos depend on the context. For example, I posted it captioned ‘TREAT YA GIRL RIGHT… OR SHE CUTS OFF THE HEAD!!!!!’ which is funny and therefore fine.”

Social media expert Joseph Turner said: “There’s a fine line between posting a picture of a cat in a turban captioned I CAN HAZ JIHAD? and posting an actual video of an actual person being killed.

“Actually, no there isn’t. There’s a massive fat line between those things, and the video is on the side of it labelled ‘Never ever do this you sick bastard’.”