Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week will mostly be spent in sniggering displays of puerile frivolity.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
People who know you say they’d rather have you inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in, although to be honest they’d rather you just didn’t go camping.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved Pigeon Street so you’re disappointed when you show your kids the follow-up, Ripper Street.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not take off the automatic tip from the bill in your restaurant and put a sign in your window saying ‘We don’t trust our waiters not to be shit’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You should never argue about politics or religion. Or anything else if you’re going to come out with nonsense like that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The next time you plan on saying some vaguely amusing photo has ‘won the internet’, why not walk away from your keyboard, out of your house and into some traffic?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you learn that when Pat Benatar wrote Love Is A Battlefield, she meant that ‘It usually involves several thousand terrified soldiers’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Religious people are so fickle. They can’t get enough when people see the face of Jesus in a piece of toast or a damp patch. But when you turn up with a used handkerchief they don’t want to know.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s getting cold enough for a hot toddy, as you like to call a cup of tea topped up with gin.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re still convinced that Carly Simon is somebody called Simon who looks a lot like somebody called Carl.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Scorpio enters your sign this week, which technically means you’ll have to rename it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Two legs good, four legs better, six legs starting to become an orgy.

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US to build spy plane designed by eight-year-old

LOCKHEED is to build a hypersonic robot spy plane based on the drawings of eight-year-old Kyle Stephenson.

The Carlisle schoolboy’s plane, which shoots flames out of its engines and is piloted by the Terminator, will be operational in time for his 40th birthday.

Named Eagle Tornado XKSupercool the aircraft will fly at six times the speed of sound, enabling it to hear what enemy spies have said before they have even said it.

It will also be equipped with mind cameras that can take pictures of terrorists whenever they think of bombs.

Stephenson has insisted that the dragons being ridden by the Hulk painted on its wings are vital to making it fly faster, as is the insignia “Kyle is the best, IDST” on the fuselage.

US military sources have confirmed they are working with Stephenson on further projects including a tank that can punch people and a gun that turns into a sports car.