Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week will mostly be spent in sniggering displays of puerile frivolity.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
People who know you say theyd rather have you inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in, although to be honest theyd rather you just didnt go camping.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved Pigeon Street so youre disappointed when you show your kids the follow-up, Ripper Street.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not take off the automatic tip from the bill in your restaurant and put a sign in your window saying We dont trust our waiters not to be shit.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You should never argue about politics or religion. Or anything else if you’re going to come out with nonsense like that.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The next time you plan on saying some vaguely amusing photo has won the internet, why not walk away from your keyboard, out of your house and into some traffic?
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
This week you learn that when Pat Benatar wrote Love Is A Battlefield, she meant that It usually involves several thousand terrified soldiers.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Religious people are so fickle. They cant get enough when people see the face of Jesus in a piece of toast or a damp patch. But when you turn up with a used handkerchief they dont want to know.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Its getting cold enough for a hot toddy, as you like to call a cup of tea topped up with gin.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Youre still convinced that Carly Simon is somebody called Simon who looks a lot like somebody called Carl.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Scorpio enters your sign this week, which technically means youll have to rename it.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Two legs good, four legs better, six legs starting to become an orgy.