Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week will mostly be spent in sniggering displays of puerile frivolity.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
People who know you say they’d rather have you inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in, although to be honest they’d rather you just didn’t go camping.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved Pigeon Street so you’re disappointed when you show your kids the follow-up, Ripper Street.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not take off the automatic tip from the bill in your restaurant and put a sign in your window saying ‘We don’t trust our waiters not to be shit’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You should never argue about politics or religion. Or anything else if you’re going to come out with nonsense like that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The next time you plan on saying some vaguely amusing photo has ‘won the internet’, why not walk away from your keyboard, out of your house and into some traffic?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you learn that when Pat Benatar wrote Love Is A Battlefield, she meant that ‘It usually involves several thousand terrified soldiers’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Religious people are so fickle. They can’t get enough when people see the face of Jesus in a piece of toast or a damp patch. But when you turn up with a used handkerchief they don’t want to know.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s getting cold enough for a hot toddy, as you like to call a cup of tea topped up with gin.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re still convinced that Carly Simon is somebody called Simon who looks a lot like somebody called Carl.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Scorpio enters your sign this week, which technically means you’ll have to rename it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Two legs good, four legs better, six legs starting to become an orgy.