Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you sit on this horoscope it feels like somebody else is reading it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you post a disappointed review on Netflix after the film Hoop Dreams fails to provide the masturbatory opportunities its title suggests.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Ever since you were at school you’ve been told to pull your socks up, not because you’re lazy but because your knees look like a haggis made of knuckles.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you change your name to Beef Garland because it makes you sound like a badass US Marshal.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Amazon have completely ballsed this order up.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You could explain to certain people in your life how they have let you down, why you feel you’ve come to the end of your relationship with them and why you think it’s best you part company. Or you could just buy them a Olly Murs CD for Christmas.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your neighbours complain that your cat has been getting into their garden. Best not tell them about training it to steal underwear.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
At this time of year, spare a thought for others less fortunate than you. And also those more fortunate, the rich bastards.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your kid is the star of the school’s nativity play. Which is a step down from a shepherd, really.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, why not go on the internet and pretend to have been a bastard to somebody? Although that technically will mean you really are a bastard.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You realise your back hair has got out of control this week when you lean against some flock wallpaper and have to be cut free.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to get the sprouts on.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hodgson finalises World Cup excuses formation

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has settled on a first eleven excuses for failure at next year’s World Cup.

The excuses, which blend experience with a few exciting debutants, will represent their country when it performs catastrophically in Brazil.

Outlining his formation, Hodgson said: “Up front we’ve got the tiring Premier League season and injuries to key players, which we’re hoping and praying come through in the spring when we need them most.

“On the wing we’re blaming the climate of the host country, which may be new and untried now but we’ve got to learn to rely on because it’ll be absolutely crucial in Qatar.

“In midfield we’ll be blaming Gerrard and Lampard’s failure to gel, though not without some sadness as that’s the last time we’ll be able to use an excuse from the Golden Generation.

“At the back, we’ve got the classic combination of the Brazilian nightlife and the distraction of the WAGs, who have promised me they’re going to shop like they’ve never shopped before.

“And between the sticks, Joe Hart.”

Hodgson added: “Failing to plan for failure is planning for failure to fail.

“I won’t fall into the trap of Capello, spending all his time working on making the team better and leaving the press with no option but to pin the whole thing on him.

“England fans are relying on me to give them the excuses that will turn a miserable showing into a hard-fought moral victory for the team.”