Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you sit on this horoscope it feels like somebody else is reading it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you post a disappointed review on Netflix after the film Hoop Dreams fails to provide the masturbatory opportunities its title suggests.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Ever since you were at school you’ve been told to pull your socks up, not because you’re lazy but because your knees look like a haggis made of knuckles.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you change your name to Beef Garland because it makes you sound like a badass US Marshal.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Amazon have completely ballsed this order up.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You could explain to certain people in your life how they have let you down, why you feel youve come to the end of your relationship with them and why you think its best you part company. Or you could just buy them a Olly Murs CD for Christmas.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your neighbours complain that your cat has been getting into their garden. Best not tell them about training it to steal underwear.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
At this time of year, spare a thought for others less fortunate than you. And also those more fortunate, the rich bastards.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your kid is the star of the schools nativity play. Which is a step down from a shepherd, really.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, why not go on the internet and pretend to have been a bastard to somebody? Although that technically will mean you really are a bastard.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You realise your back hair has got out of control this week when you lean against some flock wallpaper and have to be cut free.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to get the sprouts on.