UK pupils maintain respectful distance from future Chinese employers

BRITAIN’S school pupils are allowing Chinese children to beat them in every academic subject in order to ensure a harmonious future workplace.

Schools, pupils and parents have agreed that industrial relations in the 21st Century will be better served if there is a marked difference in educational attainment between the upper and lower levels of the corporate workforce.

A-level student Emma Bradford said: “In 10 years’ time I do not want my Chinese boss to feel threatened by my intellect.

“If he knows that I know my place then I stand a much better chance of getting at least two weeks annual holiday, including Christmas Day.

“So if you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here and stagnate.”

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Stop calling it your money, says RBS

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has reminded customers that ‘their’ money is actually its money.

The bank said giving people access to their accounts is not a core priority.

An RBS spokesman explained: “Stop whining that you can’t get money out.

“We need that cash for gambling on the international markets, profiting from commodity speculation and paying our brokers’ bonuses.

“You need it for buying celebrity autobiographies and bath salts. I think we can both agree which is more important.”