Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In 1989 an MC said to put your hands in the air at a rave. 14 years later, they’re starting to get a bit numb.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Planning this year’s summer trip in Somerset, you release a white dove and see if it comes back with a bit of holiday cottage in its beak.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you learn the opossum was named by a biologist disappointed to have discovered just another possum.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a 20-a-day man, whether we’re talking about cigarettes, pints of lager or sudden stabbing sensations down your left-hand side.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really didn’t want your daughter growing up to be a stripper, was giving her a double-barrelled forename – where one of them had a ‘y’ where an ‘i’ should be – a good idea?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your job application to the Foreign Office is unsuccessful after you suggest that Nigeria is ‘a place with loads of blokes called Nigel in it’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If Russia is so anti-gay, why is so much of it devoted to Steppes?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You hate that Vine clip of Gove falling over that’s doing the rounds, mainly because he’s not falling into a skip full of snakes.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you only see one film this year, you’ll first have to find your way out of the gimp cellar you’re currently locked in.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As you patiently explain to the person in HR during your disciplinary hearing, you cannot possibly be a racist as you used to love Rusty Lee when she was on the telly.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You were bullied all the way through school. And at university. And, thinking about it, throughout your working life. Actually, give me your wallet, you little tit.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your face and my arse. Behind the bins. 10 minutes.