Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In 1989 an MC said to put your hands in the air at a rave. 14 years later, they’re starting to get a bit numb.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Planning this year’s summer trip in Somerset, you release a white dove and see if it comes back with a bit of holiday cottage in its beak.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you learn the opossum was named by a biologist disappointed to have discovered just another possum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a 20-a-day man, whether we’re talking about cigarettes, pints of lager or sudden stabbing sensations down your left-hand side.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really didn’t want your daughter growing up to be a stripper, was giving her a double-barrelled forename – where one of them had a ‘y’ where an ‘i’ should be – a good idea?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your job application to the Foreign Office is unsuccessful after you suggest that Nigeria is ‘a place with loads of blokes called Nigel in it’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If Russia is so anti-gay, why is so much of it devoted to Steppes?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You hate that Vine clip of Gove falling over that’s doing the rounds, mainly because he’s not falling into a skip full of snakes.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you only see one film this year, you’ll first have to find your way out of the gimp cellar you’re currently locked in.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As you patiently explain to the person in HR during your disciplinary hearing, you cannot possibly be a racist as you used to love Rusty Lee when she was on the telly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You were bullied all the way through school. And at university. And, thinking about it, throughout your working life. Actually, give me your wallet, you little tit.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your face and my arse. Behind the bins. 10 minutes.

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Mourinho working on metaphor that’ll blow Man City away

JOSE Mourinho is preparing a metaphor so apt that Manchester City will be unable to defend against it.

The Chelsea boss has locked himself in his office with a copy of I.A. Richard’s The Philosophy of Rhetoric and a copy of the league table.

Man City and Chelsea meet in a top-of-the-table FA Cup clash on Saturday afternoon. While Manuel Pellegrini has been focused on tactical walkthroughs and set pieces, his opposite number has taken a more cerebral approach.

Our source at Stamford Bridge said: “Jose’s working on the ultimate metaphor. When he finds it, Man City will have no answer, and not just because a metaphor doesn’t demand one syntactically.

“The team haven’t seen Jose in days except when he occasionally pokes his head out his office door to demand a copy of Homer’s Odyssey or a Twix.

“But you can hear him scribbling notes, mumbling wry witticisms and occasionally laughing at his own whimsy.”

It is rumoured that Mourinho’s metaphor will liken Manchester City unfavourably to tragic mythological figure Icarus while comparing his own side to either Sir Bruce Forsyth, a guava or the combustion engine.

When coaching FC Porto, Mourinho sent Benfica tearfully running from the pitch with a superbly-crafted derogatory poem, and earlier this season he secured a battling draw at Arsenal with a smoothly executed double entendre.