Parents 'must have tattoos of children's names'

NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

The redefinition of good parenting has been welcomed by modern mums and dads who believe getting inked with a name and date of birth is the key part of raising a child.

Mother of four Emma Bradford said: “I can’t always be there for my kids, especially during my annual three-week rave holiday to Ibiza.

“But they’re with me via their names being written in curly script on my neck, and unlike packed lunches or clean clothes that is permanent.”

Stephen Malley of Stoke-on-Trent agreed: “Any soft lad can patiently teach their kids to read, but a real man goes through the pain barrier and gets ‘Kyle 24-1-11’ written on his ribcage.

“Accompanied, of course, by a bad picture of the kid that makes it look like a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Social worker Francesca Johnson said: “”Quite apart from the fact that these blank-fleshed parents clearly aren’’t proud of their children, there are practical problems.

““If you don’’t have your daughter’’s name written on your body, how are we to know she’’s yours? She could be anyone’’s, so our procedure is to take them into care until we find out.

“It’s all about taking responsibility, in the way that diligent dog owners have a tattoo of their Staffordshire bull terrier on their neck for identification purposes.”

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Weathermen encouraged to lie

BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I just want to see bright yellow suns all over a map of the British Isles, while a man in a suit tells me things will be alright.

“I don’t care if he’s lying, I just need something I can cling to for 24 hours.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Frankly I don’t give a toss if these people have spent ten years at weather school.

“I don’t want them giving me the depressing truth. Frankly to do so is just self-indulgent.

“Just be my friend, that’s what telly’s for.”