Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After you’re charged £1.40 for a can of coke in some artisan coffee shop hellhole, you hope it comes with a glass, lots of ice and another can of coke.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll print off those 50 retweets you got, fashion them into a papier-mâché daddy and you’ll get that hug you’ve been waiting for your whole life.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When describing World War One as ‘lions led by donkeys’, people tend to ignore how awesome that would actually look.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Leo will spend most of this week mooching around your sign trying to ponce fags off you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I don’t think breaking into Asda at 2am can be considered ‘Urban Exploration’, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you’re thrown out of a production of Der Fliegende Holländer for heckling the tenor playing Erik to ‘Do the one off the Go Compare adverts’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Go hard or go home. Unless you’re in a Wetherspoons. In which case, just go home.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A good rule of thumb during a Spring clean is to throw anything out that you haven’t used for over a year, but I don’t know how you’re going to dump your libido in the bin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If people keep taking cheap shots at you, maybe that’s because you’re cheap and deserve shooting?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After another trying day at work you go to the gym for a 5-mile run before wearily returning to the office to smear your taint across everyone’s phone receiver.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you reflect on the fact it’s odd that the car’s glove compartment has survived into the modern era but not the monocle-holder or moustache-wax receptacle.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the one with the bucket, right?

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Twitter exercise demonstrates how unpopular teacher is

A TEACHER has proved what an imbecile he is by attempting to demonstrate how quickly messages spread on social media.

IT teacher Mr Cook, known to his pupils as Mr Cock, tweeted a picture of himself holding a message about how fast an image can be shared worldwide.

By the end of the day the message had reached only 111 people, 82 of them bots, and the furthest it had travelled was Swansea.

Mr Cook, who has a startlingly prominent Adam’s apple, tweeted Harry Styles, Lady Gaga, Graham Linehan and the Department of Education, all of whom deleted his message.

Pupil Stephen Malley said: “Not even the other teachers retweeted it. Though the PE teacher did DM ‘Fuck off knobstand.’”

14-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “It actually taught me something very valuable, namely that contrary to what they tell us complete geeks have no friends even when they grow up.

“Their bullying will never end. As an alpha female, that’s actually enormously reassuring for me.”

A Vine of a visibly upset Mr Cook accidentally reversing his car into the headmaster’s Alfa has since been seen by 51,660,000 people after being retweeted by Barack Obama.