Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After you’re charged £1.40 for a can of coke in some artisan coffee shop hellhole, you hope it comes with a glass, lots of ice and another can of coke.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll print off those 50 retweets you got, fashion them into a papier-mâché daddy and you’ll get that hug you’ve been waiting for your whole life.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When describing World War One as ‘lions led by donkeys’, people tend to ignore how awesome that would actually look.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Leo will spend most of this week mooching around your sign trying to ponce fags off you.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I don’t think breaking into Asda at 2am can be considered ‘Urban Exploration’, actually.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you’re thrown out of a production of Der Fliegende Holländer for heckling the tenor playing Erik to ‘Do the one off the Go Compare adverts’.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Go hard or go home. Unless you’re in a Wetherspoons. In which case, just go home.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A good rule of thumb during a Spring clean is to throw anything out that you haven’t used for over a year, but I don’t know how you’re going to dump your libido in the bin.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If people keep taking cheap shots at you, maybe that’s because you’re cheap and deserve shooting?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After another trying day at work you go to the gym for a 5-mile run before wearily returning to the office to smear your taint across everyone’s phone receiver.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you reflect on the fact it’s odd that the car’s glove compartment has survived into the modern era but not the monocle-holder or moustache-wax receptacle.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the one with the bucket, right?