Lloyd Webber unveils Edwina Currie musical

ANDREW Lloyd Webber has announced a musical about the affair between John Major and Edwina Currie.

Following the closure of his show Stephen Ward, the millionaire composer believes John & Eddie will be a hit thanks to the public’s abiding fascination with Currie, still in FHM’s 100 Hottest at the age of 67.

Lloyd Webber said: “Major and Currie is one of the great love affairs of our time, like Burton and Taylor, JFK and Marilyn Monroe, or Harry Styles and Caroline Flack.

“It’s a fantastic story – a passionate affair being played out as John struggles to realise his dream of a national traffic cones hotline.

“The material lends itself beautifully to the stage. Yesterday we were rehearsing rousing dance number He’s My Salmonella Fella which prompted theatre maintenance workers to spontaneously lob eggs at the stage.”

Other songs include You Can Crack An Egg But You Can’t Crack Me, The Cabinet Are Bastards (Bastards) and Norman Lamont’s soaring second-act ballad Even I’m Not Entirely Sure Who I Am.

Preview audience member Denys Finch Hatton said: “The show captures the spirit of the late 1980s, although I’m not sure the scene where John and Edwina neck pills at a warehouse rave is historically accurate.

“However the bit where Edwina says ‘Take off those glasses and stuff me like a chicken!’ felt chillingly convincing.”

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Children naturally awful

CHILDREN are dreadful regardless of whether they have had sugar, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies monitored the behaviour of a group of under-10s before and after eating an immense bag of Haribo Star Mix.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They were little fuckers before eating the sweets and they were little fuckers after. Basically they’re little fuckers.

“The effect of sugar has long been exaggerated by parents keen to refute the obvious truth that their offspring are drooling, messy little psychopaths whose main goal is finding animals to harm.”

Seven-year-old Emma Bradford, who had not eaten anything sugary, said: “I hit Gerald in the face for no reason.”

Then she pointed to a table and asked “What’s that?” 28 times before deliberately running face first into a door and blaming someone else.

Professor Brubaker said: “”Sugar does virtually nothing. I just had a cup of tea with four sugars in it and it’s not like I’ve done an E. Everything is normal.

“Clearly there are chemicals that would affect kids’ behaviour. Really strong sedatives that make them into docile zombies, devoid of the spark and spontaneity of youth. Some people see that as a bad thing, but those people can afford boarding school.”