Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve followed the trend of naming your kid after the circumstances of its conception, and Grudging Attempt To Save Marriage is doing just fine.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Walking out of the shop wearing a chinchilla hat and mink coat, you’re told by your friends that they actually wanted you to support Fair Trade.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not grow a stupid-shaped beard, pretend you’re a street magician and convince strangers to throw their phone under a bus?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Human Resources take a dim view this week of your claim that ‘breaking your foot kicking your boss in the jewels’ counts as a stress-related illness.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your therapist has described alcohol as a ‘coping mechanism’ and this Friday you intend to cope yourself into a stupor.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sanctions against a country that has natural resources and manpower coming out of its cold, implacable ears. Yes, that’ll show them.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
For Lent, you’ve decided to give up resisting the urge to strip naked and scream at passing traffic at a busy intersection smeared in toothpaste.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your local vicar seems unimpressed when you wake him up at 6am on Monday to show that your scrotum sort of looks like Jesus.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Scorpions. You’re just lobsters that have been through a bitter divorce, aren’t you?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your eyes meet with the person on the running machine next to you at the gym this week as they try to work out why you’re smoking a fag.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You realise you’ve become too involved in the show True Detective this Friday when your spouse asks how your day has been and you refuse to tell them until they get you a six-pack of Lone Star and a carton of Lucky Strikes.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thizzle horoscizzle izzle sponsizzled bizzle Snizzle Dizzle.