Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve followed the trend of naming your kid after the circumstances of its conception, and Grudging Attempt To Save Marriage is doing just fine.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Walking out of the shop wearing a chinchilla hat and mink coat, you’re told by your friends that they actually wanted you to support Fair Trade.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not grow a stupid-shaped beard, pretend you’re a street magician and convince strangers to throw their phone under a bus?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Human Resources take a dim view this week of your claim that ‘breaking your foot kicking your boss in the jewels’ counts as a stress-related illness.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your therapist has described alcohol as a ‘coping mechanism’ and this Friday you intend to cope yourself into a stupor.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sanctions against a country that has natural resources and manpower coming out of its cold, implacable ears. Yes, that’ll show them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
For Lent, you’ve decided to give up resisting the urge to strip naked and scream at passing traffic at a busy intersection smeared in toothpaste.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your local vicar seems unimpressed when you wake him up at 6am on Monday to show that your scrotum sort of looks like Jesus.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Scorpions. You’re just lobsters that have been through a bitter divorce, aren’t you?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your eyes meet with the person on the running machine next to you at the gym this week as they try to work out why you’re smoking a fag.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You realise you’ve become too involved in the show True Detective this Friday when your spouse asks how your day has been and you refuse to tell them until they get you a six-pack of Lone Star and a carton of Lucky Strikes.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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Childcare better value than mortgage, say parents

HAVING the children taken away for a bit is more important than having a house, according to parents.

As the cost of childcare overtakes that of the average mortgage, parents said they would rather live in a cardboard box than spend any more time with their children than they absolutely have to.

Father Joseph Turner said: “I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Ben 10: Omniverse, but I have upwards of 100 conversations about that every day. Or at least the same conversation 100 times.

“I’d sell a kidney to keep my son in nursery, I honestly would.”

Mother-of-two Joanna Kramer said: “You love your children just like you love your parents, which is to say you’re very fond of them when they’re not around and you’re drunk but they’re intolerable in the flesh.

“Food, shelter and clothing are minor concerns compared to the human need not to be wiping somebody else’s arse for eight years.

“Sometimes, when the kids have gone to bed, my husband and I open a bottle of wine and watch that Ken Loach film Cathy Come Home where her children are forcibly taken into care by Social Services. I do love a happy ending.”