Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The fact that, as the defendant, you own a car, work as a rocket scientist and are, in fact, Brad Pitt does not impress the court much. That’s Shania Law for you.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Tuesday, you get hungry while trying to think of a nickname for a speculum, so you try a flapjack.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you enjoy a fun run by not doing it.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
BBC write you a letter saying they are sick of you bringing along horse carcasses to the filming of Flog It!.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
1997 was a very good year for Pinot Noir remember when you found that crate of it round the back of Threshers?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This weekend you make a remarkable discovery at a car boot sale your car that was stolen last month.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Hanging around your neighbours’ bins with some KFC and an air rifle, you can’t say the fox-hunting ban has made a lot of difference to you.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your attempt to appear sophisticated to your new girlfriend by putting on a French-language DVD fails the second the pizza delivery character suggests an alternative method of payment.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s not that you’re unwilling to help somebody less fortunate than you are, it’s just so difficult to find somebody that matches that description.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
They say money can’t buy you happiness but on Sunday you give £200 to Geoff down the pub to hoof George Osborne in the onions so we shall see.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When Roman generals were carried through the streets in triumph with a golden laurel on their heads, a servant was employed to whisper in their ear ‘All glory is fleeting’. Which wouldn’t have been necessary had they been married to your wife.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Device Not Recognised. What the fuck is an eight-track?