Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The fact that, as the defendant, you own a car, work as a rocket scientist and are, in fact, Brad Pitt does not impress the court much. That’s Shania Law for you.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Tuesday, you get hungry while trying to think of a nickname for a speculum, so you try a flapjack.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you enjoy a fun run by not doing it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
BBC write you a letter saying they are sick of you bringing along horse carcasses to the filming of Flog It!.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
1997 was a very good year for Pinot Noir – remember when you found that crate of it round the back of Threshers?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This weekend you make a remarkable discovery at a car boot sale – your car that was stolen last month.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Hanging around your neighbours’ bins with some KFC and an air rifle, you can’t say the fox-hunting ban has made a lot of difference to you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your attempt to appear sophisticated to your new girlfriend by putting on a French-language DVD fails the second the pizza delivery character suggests an alternative method of payment.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s not that you’re unwilling to help somebody less fortunate than you are, it’s just so difficult to find somebody that matches that description.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
They say money can’t buy you happiness but on Sunday you give £200 to Geoff down the pub to hoof George Osborne in the onions so we shall see.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When Roman generals were carried through the streets in triumph with a golden laurel on their heads, a servant was employed to whisper in their ear ‘All glory is fleeting’. Which wouldn’t have been necessary had they been married to your wife.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Device Not Recognised. What the fuck is an eight-track?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

G7 summit a lot more chilled

THE G7 summit of world leaders, held without Russia for the first time in 16 years, has been super relaxed.

The group, who are meeting in The Hague, agree that the atmosphere is totally chill and are in no doubt about what’s caused the change.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said: “You know when there’s one guy who doesn’t even say anything but totally makes everyone else really tense? That.

“It had got so bad we all just sat around in silence, afraid to say anything unless the Bond villain in the corner called us gay for having democratic elections.

“Without him we’re joking, laughing, and taking our jackets off without worrying about a heavily-accented voice calling us ‘flabby Western man-women.’

“Plus being able to tie up negotiations not all woozy from the mandatory lunchtime vodka shots is great, and I always got embarrassed turning down the hookers.”

US President Barack Obama finished the day with a hilarious impression, strutting into the conference room shirtless and boasting about lifting a bear over his head every morning.