Celebrity marriage doesn't fail

GWYNETH Paltrow and Chris Martin’s marriage has succeeded in a splitting up kind of way, they have announced.

Describing a ‘conscious uncoupling’, a joint statement explained how their blessed relationship had meaningfully evolved into a wonderful divorce.

It read: “While everything continues to be joyful, we have decided to expand our marriage to include two large opposing legal teams.”

Insiders believe the pressure of maintaining successful careers while raising two blurry-faced kids forced the unexpected but delightful change.

Meanwhile the global therapy industry has diverted its resources to Los Angeles.

Lead counsellor Tom Logan said: “It’s going to be the angst equivalent of an Australian bushfire. We’ll split into two teams of several thousand people, using a relay system to deliver meaningless affirmative statements.”

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The heartbreaking moment Mail Online journalist realised his soul had died

THIS picture shows the very moment at which a journalist discovered he had died inside.

38-year-old Mail Online staffer Wayne Haynes had just uploaded a picture of some grieving relatives to his employers’ website.

He said: “At that precise second, I knew I was not a man but a ghoul. A professional ‘grief pinpointer’ for whom human misery is a form of light entertainment to be sandwiched between adverts for chocolate and women’s tops.

“I had left humanity via a one-way exit.

“I’m just glad someone was there with a camera, so that they could take a picture and put it on to the internet.”