Prisoners face roach crisis

A BAN on books in British prisons has deprived inmates of makeshift cigarette filters, according to insiders.

The Home Secretary’s decision to stop prisoners being sent books mean that lifers are down to their last few Dan Brown blurbs.

Prisoner Bill McKay said: “Obviously tobacco and weed are freely available and we make rolling papers from onion skins, but we need card or stiff laminated paper to make the roaches that protect us from cancer.

“We don’t have train tickets in here. Nobody gives us business cards. Grown men go to sleep dreaming of ripping the lid of a Rizla packet into neat little rectangles.

“This book ban leaves us with five, maybe six days of roach left. After that it’s riots and rooftops, but unfortunately nobody will know why because we’ve roached all the cardboard we’d use for signs.”

Convicted felon Stephen Malley said: “I do enjoy reading but you can have too much of it, whereas smoking never gets boring.”

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Russia excluded from True Detective finale

PRESIDENT Obama has announced sanctions against Russia which include a ban on the season finale of True Detective.

Obama said: “To revel in every thrilling twist and turn in True Detective, only to find the last episode is US-only will hurt Russia more than any missiles could.”

President Putin said: “We were already reeling from the punitive sanctions against 31 of my allies, banning them from flying first class and from buying single malts older than 18 years.  Now we are to miss the  climax of the McConaissance?

“I cannot take the risk of reading True Detective spoilers on Twitter. Tonight, the nukes fly.”