All dietary advice was fruit company conspiracy

FRUIT companies have misled the public into thinking fat and processed sugar are bad, it has emerged.

As it emerged that saturated fats are good for you, researchers pointed the finger at major fruit producers, known collectively as ‘Big Fruit’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everyone knows Mars bars are nicer than fruit – and therefore better for you. Fruit companies pay scientists to falsify data saying fruit is good for you while slagging off everything else.

“That’s how powerful Big Fruit is.

“In my son’s school canteen, they’re selling fruit for virtually nothing to get kids hooked at an early age.

“If you watch a sitcom or soap opera, you’ll notice bowls of fruit in kitchens – bananas, oranges and gleaming apples.

“You see fruit every day in paintings and wallpaper designs. All part of the campaign to make us fruit puppets.

“Actually you can get all the fruit you need from eating a packet of Starburst every day.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “If fruit was really good for you it wouldn’t make for such an unsatisfying meal.

“Yesterday I ate four pears and was still starving. Compare that to a single bag of chips which totally sets you up for the day, especially if you add mayonnaise.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Dieticians are liars and hate ordinary people. That’s why they invented atom bombs and germs and won’t let you eat what you want.

“From now on I’m only listening to my stomach.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Everyone too up themselves to make the tea

WORKERS are going without hot drinks because everyone in the office thinks they are above making tea.

The traditional drinks round has become a ‘tea deadlock’ as colleagues would rather die of thirst than lower themselves to heating water and pouring it into vessels.

Sales assistant Tom Logan said: “I badly want some tea. But I see myself as management material so I won’t do what is basically manual work. Sure I could just make a single cup of tea for myself but that’s a bit ‘potential serial killer’.”

He added: “And I can’t bring a Thermos because owning a Thermos is a tacit admission that you are into dogging.”

Logan’s colleague Emma Bradford said: “I would participate in tea making but only as a group effort within a team-building context. Alternately I would project manage a round of hot drinks, or oversee tea preparation in a freelance consultant capacity.”

The tea deadlock is particularly endemic across boring industries like financial services, where there are lots of insecure spivs. But even work experience people are no longer comfortable boiling a kettle.

19-year-old ‘intern’ Nikki Hollis said: “Making tea is against my human rights. I might burn myself, and also I should be running the company because I have a blog about sunglasses.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It may seem like a trivial thing, but this demonstrates perfectly why humanity will soon destroy itself.”